FIRST ANNIVERSARY
January 18, 2011
One year since Christian left us. One year since we've had to face the worst tragedy a family can experience. One year today. I don't want it be one year. That's too much time. I don't want that much distance from the time you were here and I could touch you, hear your voice, your laughter. Hug you, kiss your cheek. One year. Okay I can accept one year. But one year and one day I cannot. I rebel against one year and one day. My heart screams against one year and one day. Tears, so many tears. My heart is shattering again - like it did on that first day.
Today is cold, very cold, and it's rainy. It seems almost appropriate. We will go to Christian's roadside memorial. The family has come together like we did for that first roadside memorial service. My mother is here from Nevada; my sister from Virginia. They are here to support us just like they did a year ago. We will support each other.
The cars are filled with family members bundled up against the cold. The caravan begins the thirty minute drive to the memorial site. Mountains covered in snow are visible in the distance capped with low hanging black clouds. A storm is coming.
When we arrive, we see that someone has placed a beautiful little angel with out stretched arms on one of the flat stones. It warms that cold place in my heart and makes me feel human again. Whoever left it will probably never know how much it means to me to know that some caring person visited my son's memorial site. My heart is bursting with love for this unknown person.
Even in times of sadness, children can still find time to play. Bless her little heart and thank you God for this little jewel.
Just before our service was over it began to rain a freezing cold rain. No one seem to notice this rain that would have normally sent us running to the warmth of our cars. Only concern for my Mother's well being made us leave. At home a warm stew was waiting.
Chapter One comes to an end.
Dear Linda:
ReplyDeleteI am at a loss for words today. My heart aches for you and for what you must be feeling today...the 1 year anniversary of something you never wanted to have to celebrate...the loss of your son, Christian...the many daunting tasks that became necessary to bring you to where you are today with a title you never asked to own: Survivor.
Though it is as fresh today as it was one year ago, I pray that healing will begin and one day you will be able to live, again. I pray that you will be able to feel, that you will be able to have joy and that you will be able to find peace.
There is nothing that can take away the loss of your child: your heart will always ache to hold them one more time, to kiss them one more time, to tell them you love them one more time and to hear them say I Love You, one more time. Sadly, one more time would never be enough, they are still gone.
But God the Father knows your pain, feels your emptiness and cries with you when you cry. He will comfort you, send angels to rally round you to hold you up when you can stand no more. He will ease your suffering and will mend your broken heart, though it will never be completely whole, it will beat again.
He now holds your son, who is also His son, and comforts all of his sadness and his sorrow and the pain that took Christian from you. He welcomed him home with open arms and kissed him and hugged him and told him He loved him and healed his broken heart so that he could once again be whole.
He alone can bring joy back into your soul and breathe life back into your brokeness. He can give you the desire to move forward when all you want to do is go back. In time I know that you will have all of the happiness that you had before, as well as new happiness that is yet to come.
But for today you must grieve and feel lost and feel like the emptiness is a sentence into a living hell, for eternity. For today you have lost the color from your life and you feel like you can't go on, that you don't want to go on. But I want you to know that you will go on, that you will live again, that the pain will dull, though it will always be a part of you because You Are a Survivor!!!
Christian will forever be tatooed in the hearts of so many. He will live as you keep his memory alive for his children, for his siblings, his niece, for this precious new nephew about to born and for you.
I love you with all my heart and pray that today the healing will begin within your heart.
Lovingly,
Jana