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Monday, November 29, 2010

THANKSGIVING 2010 - a day of celebration

GRIEF IS A STRANGE BEDFELLOW.
I had it in my mind that every holiday, every celebration after Christian's death would bring me to my knees and render me so devastated that I couldn't possibly enjoy the day.  Indeed the days leading up to Thanksgiving were terrible.  I dreaded it. Oh how I dreaded it.  And I was so depressed.  But that preconceived idea was wrong.   And I have learned a valuable lesson.


Holidays and celebrations should be something to look forward to and not something to dread.  Instead of making us miss Christian more, the memories of good times together and the laugher and love he brought into our lives made us joyous.  He would never have wanted us to be sad.  He would have wanted us to be happy in our memories of him.


As we gathered together to celebrate Thanksgiving day, we discovered a wonderful new meaning of the day.  Christian's passing made it not just another holiday but a time of real appreciation of family and the time we spend together; and of the new memories we are creating.


THANKSGIVING 2010

The Thanksgiving celebration was over.  The food put away and the dishes washed.  The house was quiet.  All the family members were in their rooms and settling in for the night.  It had been a wonderful day.  Each family arriving with their contribution to the Thanksgiving meal; working together in the kitchen.  Having a glass of wine.  Nibbling on appetizers as we worked.


The table in the formal dining room - the room we only visit on holidays - was set with the antique china and crystal stemware.  Usually we serve dinner buffet style but not this year.  This year beautiful bowls and platters were piled high with tempting and lovingly prepared food and placed on the table.  Gone was the formality of years past.  This was a real down home Thanksgiving.  The turkey was golden and perfectly cooked.  We all agreed that it was the most beautiful turkey we had ever prepared.


We gathered as a family around the table.  Kenny offered the prayer of thanksgiving.  A glass was raised to Christian.  His place left empty at the table.


We had each dreaded this day without him; we had each had our moments and even days and weeks of great sadness preceding this gathering.  It had snowed - a terrible snow storm -  and the streets and roads had been covered with snow and black ice.  I had been secretly hoping the weather conditions would make it impossible for my family to get here.  Then I could stay in bed all day and pretend Thanksgiving had never happened.   But the evening before the temperatures began to rise and the snow and ice began to melt.  And I knew that Thanksgiving would take place as planned.


Now it was here and it was alright.  It was good.  It was very good.  I should have realized that the warmth that family brings to a home is beyond measure.  It was as though the lights in my dark existence had all been turned on.  The house sparkled with their personalities and love.  The only one that was unable to find some joy in the day was Bobby.  He ate and then retreated to the quiet of the guest house.


After dinner I ask everyone to share a favorite Thanksgiving memory.  We didn't get pass my youngest daughter, Tiffany.  Her memory lead to more and more and more stories - some Thanksgiving related, most were not;  and very quickly we were laughing so hard - harder than I have laughed in a very long time.  The term "bent over with laugher" comes to mind.


Now the house was quiet and I found myself suddenly overly warm.  I pulled on my robe and went out on the front porch leaving behind the scent of roasting turkey that still lingered.  The night air was surprisingly mild.  I sit down on the wicker settee, leaned back, and settled my head on the back of the cushion.  My eyes slowly swept the landscape - barely being able to make out the silhouette of the trees in the darkness; unable to see the branches, the snow that remained looked like meringue clouds suspended in the air.


All around me the sound of rapidly melting snow filled my head.  Water was cascading to the ground from the trees and bushes.  Heavy droplets of water falling from the roof and rain gutters down onto the porch boards was loud and continuous. I could hear the melting water running and falling into the drain in the driveway.


From the porch I could see the street light off in the distance through the trees.  The light reflected down onto the snow covered road casting an orange-yellow glow.  The dim light added to the mystical feeling of the night.





I closed my eyes, breathed in the cold night air, and sat listening to my soft breathing, feeling the rise and fall of my chest.  I no longer felt any of the pressures or the stress of the past three weeks.  Sitting there alone, with my eyes closed, I was no longer an observer of life.  I surrendered my mind and body to the sounds of the night.  The night and I were one.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

SPRINGTIME SADNESS


SPRINGTIME SADNESS
May 3, 2010


Today is November 24, 2010, the day before Thanksgiving and it is bitter cold outside. Snow blankets the ground and weighs heavy on the branches of the tall evergreens that surround our property. Sunlight sparkles off the snow. Icicles hang from the edges of the roof. Ice covers the roads. There are no cars, no street noise. It is quiet and it is beautiful. Thursday will be our first Thanksgiving without Christian. His birthday follows close behind on December 9th. This holiday season will be hard. Very hard.

But when I wrote my next entry in my Grief Journal, it was Spring, May 3, 2010. Spring sometimes comes late to the Pacific Northwest and this was one such year. The flowers were beginning to pop out of the ground, the ferns were green and beginning to unfurl, and the rains had slowed down. The days were still chilly but the sun was appearing more and more frequently. The time of year when usually I would sit on my wicker rocker on our front porch, have a cup of coffee, and enjoy the rebirth of nature. But not this year.





2010 came in like a lion and try as I will I am having a hard time sustaining any type of joy for very long.  Highs are followed by devastating lows.  Spring is usually a time when my spirit blossoms with the spring flowers but today my feelings are reflected in this poem:



The plum tree is pink today

with masses of flowers.

Masses of flowers

load the cherry branches

and color some bushes

yellow and some red

but the grief in my heart

is stronger than they

for though they were my joy

formerly, today I notice them

and turn away forgetting.


... William Carlos Williams ...



My depression is made worst because I am surrounded by beauty and I can't enjoy it.



The plum tree outside our dining room window





One of the ferns in our backyard





Monday, November 22, 2010

WHO WILL SPEAK FOR THE BOY THAT SLEEPS

WHO WILL SPEAK FOR THE BOY THAT SLEEPS
written by Linda DuBos for Christian Jorgensen, her son


Who will speak for the boy that sleeps
Who will be the keepers of memories sweet


Who among you will be his voice
Tell his story; make his spirit rejoice


Who will raise their voice to the stars, moon, and wind
Proclaiming you will never, ever be forgotten dear friend.


We, his family and friends, tenderly speak
About our love for the sweet boy that sleeps.



Christian, You will never be forgotten
and will be eternally loved.



Christian and Brandon

Within hours of Christian's death,  emails and phone calls came pouring in from concerned, shocked friends and parents of his friends.  I was amazed and humbled by such an outpouring of love and grief.  It was suddenly as though our family had grown by a hundred fold.  It was then that I realized how loved Christian was and how he had impacted so many lives in such a positive way.  And how missed he will be.



The voice of these dear, dear friends was the sunshine in my bleak, black world.  It would be impossible for me to even begin to explain how those messages touched my heart at a time when I needed it most.  You were there for Christian and you were there for me and my family.
Thank you.



Each message, each comment a precious jewel.  I wish that I could share them all but space is limited so of the hundreds that we received, I will share just a few.  It is now my very great pleasure to let your voices be heard............ 




Rebecca Larson:  Christian was the most caring, understanding, funny, loyal and an all around great person.  I feel very blessed for all the times I got to share with such a wonderful man.  I miss him calling me his "home girl".. I'm sure I'm not the only one who got that cute nick name :)  I miss our hour long conversations and always felt honored when he would call me for advise.  I will always miss that.  I wish you knew Christian how much you meant to everyone and how much you meant to me.  I am miserable knowing I can't call you or see you again.  I hope that where ever you are you can see how many people here are lost without you.  We take for granted our friends because we think they will always be there.  I promise to you Christian I will tell each and every one of my friends (even the bad ones) every day that I love them because no life is worth losing especially yours.  You were the best and I don't know what I am going to do with you. RIP Love always Becca


Jana Jepson Fugle:  It is not by chance that the first part of Christian is Christ.  He embodied the light and love of Christ to everyone, everywhere.  We are all not only saddened at the loss of him but the world lost an earthly angel when he passed.  He touched the lives of so many on his journey here on earth.  I have no doubt that he will continue to touch our lives and we will know that it is him, whether it be a feeling, a thought, something physical or something else.  When the time is right, Christian will let you know that he is OK, that he is with Christ himself, and that he is at Peace.  His spirit lives on!


Mike Jepson:  Christian was one of the most kind, loving and likable people I have ever known.  His personality was of such that I know no one who was not drawn to him the minute they met him.  Above all his earthly trials he was an amazingly wonderful man ....R.I.P. Christian we will all miss you.


Andrea Yri:  I miss you best friend and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you, multiple times everyday.  Every time I think about you, I just try to remember that you're looking over me and I know you're always around.  Miss you always and forever! Ciao, as you would say.


Drena M. Alarcon:  My dearest friend, I don't know what to say but I love you and you will always be in my heart.  And we will meet again in time.


Kimberly Jepson:  I always remember Christian as having a big beautiful smile and smiling eyes.  He was so very smart and funny.  Well that and the huge school girl crush I had on him when I was a little girl.  He will be lovingly remembered.


Stacy Martinez:  missing you.... is it weird I still have your number in my phone.  I can't delete it.  don't know why.  Your picture that I took at the river I have as my desktop.  I am sad you are  gone.  Its really hard to have two close people in my life take their lives.  I miss you and ricky.  Both of you reached out and i wish i wish i tried harder ... I still read your emails.  i love you  as you would say ... ciao.








Azure Brown:  dear christian,  I was so honored to be amongst your family and friends yesterday!  I got to hear lovely stories from everyone and Celebrate your life.  You will be missed by many.  Love you my friend.


I think it was close to 10 yrs ago that I met Christian when he was starting out with the Production Co.  Such a smiling face.  I was blessed to always be a part of the Productions and learned to love Christian for the funny and caring guy that he is.  It is apparent  that there are a lot of people that cared for you and you will truly be missed.  But you will never be forgotten friend.
Love always,  Azure~


Trevor Mackin:  I love you homie, I always will. You were one of my best friends and I miss you dearly.  I miss you so much!!!!!!! Still crying at just the thought of you.  I wish we could talk again.  I wish I could have been there.  I'm so sorry bro. rip  you won't be forgetten.


Brandon Jorgensen:  hey dad  I really miss you.  I can't say much cause I don't really know what to say but like I said before I really really miss you so much  no one can understand but any ways I came to say I love you and hope you found the peace you needed and I hope you know everybody and I mean everybody that knew you misses you.


Rhiannon Weckhorst-Harshman:  sometimes its very hard to accept you truly are gone.  I'm having a hard time dealing with this, hard time seeing Brandon hurt so bad.  I just don't even know what to say other than I wasn't there to help you.  I'm so sorry and I hope that your looking down on us and seeing that we all love you so much.


J.d. Funk:  God I still can't believe all this  I can't believe I had to tell Scott, his good good friend and old business partner.  I've know Christian for many years and always looked up to him as a great person and guy.  He is gonna be missed.


Michelle Levy Silverman:  Prayers for peace and comfort to Christian's family and friends.  This is a huge loss of a generous and wonderful person.  Christian will be greatly missed.  It was an honor to have known him.


Robin Hernandez:  I am just so saddened beyond words with the news of Christian.  so many memories of him, he was a good friend to LaToya ... Linda, I am so very sorry.


Nathan Wolf:  Really having a hard time with you passing.  Don't know how to feel.  I have  a pic of you next to my new born nephew.  Life and death is a part of the big picture.


Amber Gaucher:  I keep looking at that picture and think:  "what a handsome, intelligent man.  What a tragic waste".... he was and is so loved ... he is so missed right now.


Danielle Dingwall Wilhelm:  I'm so very sorry Linda.  I met you several years ago so I'm sure you don't remember me however I just want you to know that I have been praying that God will bring you some comfort in this tragic time.  Please know that I thought the world of your son ... I hadn't seen him in years however the times we spent together were always good.  Christian was a truly genuine person that would do anything for his friends ... you raised a fine man.  God bless!


Daphne Campbell: Wish Heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again.  I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.  I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.   I think of you in silence,  I often speak your name.  All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.  Your memory is a keepsake from which I'll never part.  God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart!


Robyn Leveton: (Christian's sister)   I keep having these really vivid dreams about you.  Last night I dreamt we found this giant boxer dog and took him home and taught him all kinds of crazy tricks.  But the dog kept stealing cigarettes and smoking them.  Mom came in and yelled at us for letting the dog smoke in the house but then we showed her all the crazy tricks we taught him and pretty soon we were all sitting on the floor laughing so hard that we couldn't catch our breath.  I woke up laughing.  Sweet dreams, Baby.


          My reply:  I was laughing so hard when I read this and then I started crying because I know how funny Chris would have thought this was.  In my head I can hear him laughing.


          Robyn:  I woke up with the sound of both of you laughing in my head.  It was wonderful in that happy/sad kind of way.  Then the whole rest of the day I could hear him laughing whenever I thought about it.


Mahyar:  there are no words to convey my sadness when I found out about christian. even though we hadn't talked for a while, I always thought we'd be friends again and he has always been my brother.  christian was an important member of my life cast and i'll miss him forever.  if there is anything me or the old gang can do please let me know.


my deepest condolences
mahyar


Amerika Stodola (Rossi):  Hi Linda,
I don't know if you remember me from LONG  ago, but I was a friend of Christian's back in elementary school.  We lost contact but recently started talking again.  I found out today and I want to let you know how sorry I am.  I thought I'd share a general memory of him with you, hopefully to help.


I loved Chris from my first day of school at Olympic.  He'd walk off the bus with Nicole (Corella) and Rhonda and give me a hug or at least a smile every day.  There were always other kids around too - Mike Weimer, April Hallen, and Tracie Jarvi come to mind and we'd all hang out at recess.  Often we'd be boyfriend/girlfriend only to say "I dump you" (literally "I dump you") later the same day.


I remember sitting in your family room (red carpet or couches?) when we were kids and just hanging out.  All day and all night.  Drinking your soda.  We'd play Nintendo and just sit there taking up space.


I remember someone breaking your back sliding glass door and no one admitting to who it was.  (This, of course, may not have happened - but I think I remember it!)


My mom was cleaning out one of her drawers today and found two coins he had given me when we were little.  If I remember correctly, he may actually have stolen them from Bobby .... I haven't seen the coins, but I'd like to get them back to you at some point.


I offered to help Asia with the memorial service in setting up, taking down, arranging, food, drink, collecting donations - whatever I can do.  I am heartbroken for you and the rest of your family and just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.


I've always had a soft spot for him and when I spoke with him about a month ago, he was pretty supportive about Ryan and Erica's deaths.  He was straightforward and told me how he felt like he was able to help Jeremy and Sylvia and he knew they were all in Heaven.


He was believer and a lover and the rest doesn't matter.


I felt like I should probably give you some privacy in your grief but I want you to know I am thinking about you and your family and praying for you all.
Amerika Stodola (Rossi)


Steve's mom Marilyn:  Oh my gosh!  I am shocked and heartsick about Christian.  Steve is in a tailspin over it and I just have no words for you since words cannot take away the pain you must be feeling.


I am just so sorry and so sad.  I liked Christian very much.  I knew he was hurting and tried in my small way to bring him some smiles.


We had dinner together on New Year's Eve.. we had such fun this summer at the zoo and then at the beach where Steve and Chris got into the kayak.  We had a lot of fun that day and later he told me it was the funnest day he had all summer ... I'm so glad we went!! Pt Defiance Zoo, then to Jones Beach, dinner at the Cliff House Restaurant and then we tried to see the eclipse not knowing it was only visible in Asia  LOL.  We all had a good laugh about that.


He stayed here until he asked Steve to bring him home on Wednesday ... and now this.


Please know my heart goes out to you and your family and if there is anything I can do... let me know.


Warmly
Marilyn






Shirley Best:  I know that you don't know me that well, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about Christian.  I know that when you cry it will hurt and feel painful.  He was your son and that made him special.  He just had some demons that would not go away with out ending it all.  He mostly likely waited until you were out of town so you would not be one of first people to find him like that.  He did save you from that.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  I know it had to be hard for him to choose that way to go.  Our sons are very special to us and we would do any thing to save them but sometimes we just can't.  Just know that you love him and he loves you.  Hold him in that special place in your heart where you have the joy of knowing him and loving him when he was here.  He is at peace.  I will pray that you don't need to understand why but just love him for who he was.  Take care.


Chris and Becky Golden:  With deepest sympathy on the passing of your son.  We feel honored to be among those whom Christian called friends.  Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Sincerely Chris & Becky Golden (Danny's mom & step-dad)


My message on Christian's Memorial Page:


Dearest,  Everyone has gone home now.  Tomorrow I will be alone in this big house for the first time since you went away.  Tomorrow the house will be silent.  No longer will I hear your laughter or see your smile.  Tomorrow I will have to face the fact that you are not here, that you are gone.  If only I could hold you one more time.  How do I face tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that?  Why my darling did you leave us?  Why did you leave me when I love you so very much?


I went to my Mom's in Nevada thinking it would help to get away - give me time to heal.  But that is where I was on that last tragic day.  The phone calls from you, the sound of gunshots, it all comes rushing back as though it was happening all over again.  Patrick confirming what I already knew - that you had shot yourself; and then later telling me that you had died. Oh sweet child, sweet child will this nightmare never end:  My heart breaks over and over again.  I have loved you with all my heart since you were first conceived; and when you were placed in my arms, it was a magical moment.  Baby didn't you know its always darkest before the storm and then, eventually, the sun comes out and everything is good again.


         Andrea Yri:  I read this and it makes me cry.  I can't imagine what you are going through, but I have an idea cause I'm hurting soo much too.  I too wish he knew things would get better soon and we have those ups and downs in life, but that's what makes us stronger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

There were many more messages.  I have only shared a portion but each one is special to me and I truly appreciate each of you.  You have all touched my heart.





Saturday, November 20, 2010

WHY? THIS IS THE REASON. CAN YOU SEE IT?

He smiled, he laughed but I knew the emptiness and sadness behind that smiling face and those loving embraces.




*****************************************



CAN YOU SEE IT? CAN YOU REALLY SEE IT?

Bruised, Broken, and Scarred

*****************************************

Upon being told of Christian's death, one of the very first things asked was "Why?"  The unanswerable question for my daughter who volunteered to accept the burden of making the calls.  Most parents, family members, and friends beat themselves up searching for the answer to that question.  Sometimes we never know and sometimes we know all too clearly.  Does knowing help or does it just led to more guilt and greater feelings of helplessness, sorrow, and depression.


Dr. Calvin J. Frederick of Washington D.C. wrote "most candidates for suicide are hapless**, hopeless, and helpless".



Inside me there is a huge void which I can only describe, under close examination, as helplessness.  Helplessness caused by my inability to protect my son, to help him, to make him whole again.  Helplessness because I cannot go back and fix all the things that went wrong and make them right; thereby changing the course of our personal family history.  But how? For a sentence with only two words, it is a huge, huge question.  The answer:  I didn't know then and I don't know now.  It was all those circumstances, those unforeseeable, unpreventable circumstances.  Things that happened in his world.  A world that I was either not a part of at all or one that I only walked around the fringes of.  The one that I was only a visitor to.  A world different from the one he and I shared.



There were things that I could see happening and then there were things that I learned of only after they had happened.  Life's cruel happenstance.  People's cruel actions, his cruel reactions.  His very great need and sorrow in not being able to go back and change his reactions and his striking out.  Change his misspoken words, change his attitude.



We talked. We shared. Often.  My heart ached with him and for him.  I understood,  I felt his hurt, his desperation, his frustration, his lost hope.  How greatly he suffered from losing the love of his life, his child, and his home.  I understood his anger at not being allowed to see the little boy that he had devoted his life to from the day of his birth; his anger and resentment at having another man dictating his relationship or lack thereof with his son.  I understood his anger and frustration when he would go to pick up his other son and either no one was home or no one answered the door.  And this happened over and over again.



His business failed and after losing his home to foreclosure, he had to move in with us - out in the country, isolated and near nothing at all.  What a blow to his pride!  He hated it.  He had lost, in his mind, everything that had any meaning to him.  Everything he had worked so hard for for so long.  He felt he had been stripped of his ability to get a meaningful job.  He had lost his driver's license because of a DUI but could have gotten it back if he had had the money to install the Guardian Angel Breathalyzer; but he didn't and I didn't so he had a car he couldn't drive and no public transportation was available.  He felt stuck.  No job, no money.  Bills piling up.  He felt he had lost his social status and his friends and he was embarrassed.  Some of his friends that he had trusted betrayed him and took what little money he had.  A man that once lived a successful life, had made a million dollars by the time he was 25,  flew all over the country just to party with friends, and had celebrities calling him was now bruised, broken, and scarred.



He was feeling utterly and totally helpless and adrift.  He felt he had no hope for the future. Nothing to offer.  Nothing to give. He had a girl friend that enjoyed tearing him down instead of building him up.  A girlfriend so cruel, so violent that none of us could understand why they were together.  We couldn't understand why he didn't just walk away.  The old Christian would have.  This is the one burning question I have no answer for.



He had attempted to take his life on several occasions but something or someone always prevented it; and in an odd way he even felt he was a failure at that.  All the attempts had damaged his brain and he was no longer able to distinguish between real and imagined events.  But this was one battle he was determined to win.  And win it he would on his own terms, in his own way, and at the time of his choice.  Part of me knew that some day he would succeed but a bigger part of me never accepted that he would.



And on January 18, 2010, he was the victor.  The battle was won; and all those worldly pressures and disappointments slipped away as his life's blood spilled crimson onto the ground and his spirit escaped his heavily burdened earthly body.  He was at last free.


***************************************



**hapless: unlucky; unfortunate

















Thursday, November 18, 2010

CHRISTIAN'S ROADSIDE MEMORIAL SERVICE

Sunday, February 21, 2010, was a beautiful winter day. The sun was shining but I cannot tell you now if the day was chilly or not. It didn't matter. This was the day we had set aside to gather at the place that Christian had taken his life. The day began as any other. We got up, had coffee, got dressed. Some family had arrived on Saturday, some on Sunday.

As we awaited the arrival of the last of the family, my anxiety continued to grow. What had started out as just a worry was by late afternoon almost a full blown anxiety attack. Would I be strong enough? To go to this place would mean facing my demons and accepting my son's death. Accepting that I would never again see him (I wasn't at this point able to think of him on any other than an earthly plain), never hold him again, never hear this voice, see his smile, and hear his laugher, never feel the warmth of his body, or just be in his presence.

Fear filled me like never before. I knew I had to go but my mind and my heart were screaming one long, never ending "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" which turned into scream after scream after scream. At some point I realized that the scream wasn't just in my mind. My daughters came running to me to put their arms around me. Holding me, protecting me, comforting me. I do not know how long they held me that way but I do know that eventually I was no longer able to vocalize in any way - I was spent. No words, only sobs, soul wrenching sobs. A mother's cry for her lost child. A part of me had been ripped away in the cruelest, most difficult to understand way. Life had taken my youngest son. A child so near and dear to my heart.

When I could cry no longer, we began the procession of cars to the place where our beloved son, brother, grandson, uncle, and nephew had taken his last breath and felt his most desperate. Everyone followed our car because only Patrick knew the exact spot. All the way there a refrain from a song by John Michael Talbot played itself over and over in my mind and I sang it softly to myself "Be Not Afraid for I am With You Always". Just that one line over and over and over.

I would like to think that Christian had purposefully chosen this beautiful spot but that would not be true. One more truth that I must accept and acknowledge. It was indeed a place that he and I had stopped at and loved; and also a place that Patrick and I had visited to watch the elk graze on more than one occasion. But the truth is, this is the place that they happened to be at when he ask Patrick to pull over. The place he was when he had that final cell phone conversation. The place he was when he put the gun to his head, pulled the trigger, and ended it all. This was a place chosen by God to benefit the living and not the dying.

When we all got there and Patrick pointed out the exact spot, we all initially stood frozen - afraid to follow him. I quickly decided the "exact" spot would not do for our memorial site. It was too close to the road and a place that cars pulled into and out of. I chose instead a spot not to distant that was protected under the branches of a tree. A safe place for my baby.

The service was not planned and was only attended by family but it could not have been more beautifully done or more meaningful than if much time and effort had gone into the preparation. The site was prepared, the stones placed, flowers and candles adorned what for us was a sacred place. Bobby read a poem that he had written for his brother, little Persephone sang "I Am a Child of God", stones were placed by each person attending as a testament and celebration of Christian's life, tulip buds were placed against the pillars of stone to represent a new beginning, the candles were lit to represent the eternal flame of eternal life.

After our service was over, I walked over to the "exact" spot of my son's departure. My family sensed that I needed to do this alone. For some reason - still unknown to me - I needed to see or to find something that would be proof of my son's existence there in that place. I found nothing. I had seen his body at the funeral home, had even held his hand, talked to him, and gave him that last final kiss but still my mother's heart needed to find this one last thing to force me into acceptance and out of denial.

Looking back now, I am still not sure if it would have helped or not because grief is a long, complicated process and cannot be rushed. Recovery comes in its own time and at its own pace. And I, least of all, know when or if it will find me.




A VIEW OF THE MEADOW AND THE HILLS BEYOND






We Gather Together: February 21, 2010


Family: Matt, Tiffany, Auntie Debbie, Mother: Linda, Stephanie,
Ken, Ashley, Grandma Verity, Persephone, and Patrick
Bobby appears in the photo below
Sister Robyn was in Arizona and could not attend










STONES FOR A SACRED PURPOSE

These stones were found on our property in 2003.  I did not know what their purpose would be but I felt in my heart that they had a special purpose.   I knew in time that I would discover just the right place and the right application for this special gift.  On February 21, 2010, I knew for a certainty why God had sent them to us.






Preparation of the Memorial Site and Placement of the Stones







A broken-hearted Grandmother watches



A Place of Serenity and Peace



The Candles were lit to represent the eternal flame of eternal life




Bobby reads the poem he wrote for his brother



Persephone sings "I Am a Child of God"

I am a child of God
And He has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear
Lead me, guide me
Walk beside me
Help me find my way
Teach me all that I must do
To live with Him someday.


Stones were placed as a testament and celebration of Christian's Life 



Stephanie
Patrick
Bobby
Tiffany
Matt




Flowers were placed at the Memorial to represent the Spring of Christian's life and the Summer of his Youth




The Tulips represent NEW BEGINNINGS


Ashley and Bobby


Bobby
Tiffany and Grandma Verity
Aunt Debbie









Ken
A FINAL FAREWELL







Memories surround me
But sadness has found me
I'd do anything for more time
Never before has someone meant more
And I can't get you out of my mind

There is so much that I don't understand
But I know...

You're dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You're dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you're dancing with the angels.

You had love for your family
Love for all people
Love for the Father, and Son
Your heart will be heard
in unspoken words
Through generations to come

There is so much that I don't understand
But I know...

You're dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You're dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you're dancing with the angels.

We're only here for such a short time
So I'm gonna' stand up, shout out
And sing Hallelujah
One day I'll see you again

You're dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You're dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you're dancing with the angels.

Dancing with the Angels - lyrics by Ed Cash, Trent Monk, and Michael Neagle






IN LOVING MEMORY OF A BELOVED SON, A FATHER, A BROTHER, AND AN UNCLE


CHRISTIAN SEAN JORGENSEN


WE LOVE YOU, WE MISS YOU, AND YOU WILL REMAIN FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS. 


 THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER YOU.







Friday, November 12, 2010

A CELEBRATION OF LIFE - CHRISTIAN'S MEMORIAL SERVICE

I have two wishes: first, I wish that I could include in this post a portion of the video that was taken at the Celebration of Life service.  Trevor Jepson did an amazing job of putting it on a DVD but I don't have the technical skills to even start the task; secondly, I wish I could add music to the slideshow but, alas, I don't know how to do that either.  So this blog post will be video less and music less. (sad face)  And almost pictureless....for the past 3 hours I have been trying to add an album from Flickr in slideshow format with NO luck at all.  So here are the pictures in no particular order (another sad face).


A CELEBRATION OF LIFE

CHRISTIAN SEAN JORGENSEN
December 9, 1977 - January 18, 2010




I am the resurrection and the life, saith the Lord, he that believeth in Me, though he were dead, yet shall he live, And whoever liveth and believeth in Me shall never die.   St. John 11:25-26




A Letter from Heaven - Ruth Ann Mahaffey



To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven,
Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness;
Here is just eternal love.



Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon, and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, I welcome you.
Its good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, They'll be here later on.



I need you here so badly, you are part of my plan,
There is so much that we can do, to help our mortal man.
God gave me a list of things that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the days chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you ... in the middle of the night.



When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years,
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
 But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.



But one thing is certain, though my life on earth is over,
I'm closer to you now than I ever was before
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.



If you can help somebody who is in sorrow and pain,
Then you can say to God at night ... My day was not in vain.
And now I am contented .. that my life was worthwhile
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low
Just lend a hand to pick them up, as on your way you go.



When you're walking down the street and you've got me on your mind
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.
And when its time for you to go ... from that body to be free
Remember you're not going ... you're coming here to me. 







Our Beloved and Cherished Child



Benton Jorgensen, son


Christian and Brandon






Brandon Jorgensen



God's Lent Child
author unknown


"I'll lend you for a little while 
a child of mine" God said
For you to love for while he lives
and Mourn for when he's dead,
It may be six or seven years
or forty two or three
But will you, till I call him back,
take care of him for me?


He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and, should his stay be brief,
you'll have his nicest memories
as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
since all from earth return
but, there are lessons taught below,
I want this child to learn.


I've looked the whole world over,
in my search for teachers true,
and from the things that crowd life's lane
I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love,
nor think the labour vain,
nor hate me when I come to take
this lent child back again?


I fancied that I heard them say,
Dear Lord Thy Will Be Done"
for all the joys thy child will bring
the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
we'll love him while we may,
and for the happiness we've known
forever grateful stay.
But should thy Angels call for him
much sooner than we planned,
we'll brave the grief that comes
and try to understand.


Jeanette Jepson

Kaisha and Larry Weckhorst

Alex DuBos, Bob DuBos, and Gail DuBos

Mariam Omer and Tiffany Jorgensen (sister)

Mickey and Rhiannon Harshman (Brandon's mother)

Jacob and Pia

Brandon, cousin Caleb, and little brother Tre'

DJ and Christian's friend, AJ "Spider" Sorbello

Rick Hale, Christian's friend, coordinated the sound and lightening


Christina and Eric Atkinson

Brandon and Tre'

Sisters Robyn and Stephanie with their Mom Linda

Flowers were gifted by Paul and Debbie Gaucher and their daughters Amber and Kimberly

Food was prepared by Tiffany Jorgensen, Julie Weckhorst, Marilyn Rigley and donated by Akasaka Restaurant in Federal Way, WA
The owners of the restaurant loved Christian and were greatly sadden by his death.


Son Brandon and brother-in-law Ken Jepson

Grady and Julie Weckhorst

Sister Tiffany and Christopher Williams

Danny, Justin Post, Scott, and Carson
Danny, Justin, Carson, and Christian were partners in crime growing up

Step sisters, Michelle and Nicole DuBos

Matt and Devin



Ester Flygard

Mindy and James; Perry Flygard

Niece Persephone (daughter of Tiffany)

Christian on our front porch on a very cold winter night

Nicole and Michelle DuBos

Bob DuBos, stepfather Patrick DuBos, Linda DuBos, and Tim DuBos

Brandon and his Nana

Sister Stephanie, Mom, and Rhiannon



Into the freedom of wind and sunshine
We let you go


Into the dance of the stars and the planets
We let you go


Into the wind's breath and the hands of the star maker
We let you go


We love you, we miss, we want you to be happy and at peace
Go safely, go dancing, go running home.