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Friday, December 30, 2011

OUT OF THE FLAMES AND ASH THE PHOENIX IS REBORN

Like a thief in the night you came.
Black shadowy creature
silently walking on tiptoes,
slipping and sliding unseen along walls and through the shadows
Determined in your goal
you sought out and stole from me that which I treasured
Giving no thought to the toll to those that loved him.


I scream out at you but
You care not for my sorrow and anguish.
Or the long nights and empty days
When I cry out and beat my pillow.
What of the blood that spills upon the ground
From my crushed and broken heart?
Evil and contemptuous! Calloused and uncaring!
He was my child! You took my child, vile one.

I was not ready. I had no time to prepare.
Like a thief in the night you came
Robbing him of his desire for life
Ripping him from my motherly arms
You did not hear or heed my prayers.
I prayed and prayed. Heart wrenching prayers
Prayers of desperation. Didn't you see my tears?
Why didn't you care? Was my faith not strong enough?

Words of comfort are offered but they mean nothing
How can they when death has arrived uninvited
And stolen your child? I am overcome with feelings of
Anguish. I want to strike out at this invisible, formless
Void. I want to hit and kick and scratch and knock to
the ground this Thing. This Thing I cannot touch.
Frustration! Irritation! Madness!

In the middle of my torment a calmness begins to settle upon me
I fight against it. I don't want to be calm. I want to be angry!
Anger is an emotion that I can understand.
But despite my efforts, my tears stop and I am at peace.
I lay exhausted and spent upon my bed with no desire
To do anything but lay there.

In a dreamlike trance but fully awake
I am transported to the most beautiful garden
Flowers and trees reflect in a crystal clear lake
The melodious songs of birds are heard overhead
The air is clean and fresh. The sun is bright but not harsh or hot.
The temperature is perfect.


I suddenly realize that I am not alone.
A man - at least I think that it is a man -
Cloaked in white is walking beside me
His voice is the voice of an angel
Neither male nor female
Clear and strong but soft, mesmerizing and hypnotic
Like a voice somewhere deep inside my own head
It consumed me and overwhelmed me
But was comforting and calming at the same time.

""Be at peace my child.
Your beloved son was not taken from you. He lives on.
He was gift given to you for just a short while.
He was entrusted in your care to raise, and to love,
and to bring up in righteousness. To teach to be
compassionate; to respect and love his fellow man
and to help those in need, to extend a helping hand.
His trials were difficult, his pain great.
Both he and you were tested to see if you
could withstand all the hardships you were dealt.
In his anguish would he cry out against the God that made him
Or in love quietly and gently give up his soul?.

He learned his lessons well and when his work on earth was done,
To his Father in Heaven he did return. His departure was not unplanned.
He gladly gave up his earthly life to fulfill a greater plan.
A plan put in motion before the beginning of time
Before the earth was formed and life breathed into it.
I know your sorrow is great. For He made you as your are.
Grieve as long as you must and weep when you will
But remember this, he is with Us now and is greatly love and is at peace.
When you need him, he'll be near to guide you along your way
And when your time on earth is done, he'll he there to take your hand
Lift you up and bring you back home once again to US."


Next I knew I was alone and once again lying in my bed.
I felt like a Phoenix that had been consumed in flames
And rose reborn from the ashes.


No longer do I view death as a thief in the night
For I know it to be a bright and glowing light
That leads us from the darkness of earthly life back home
To the peace and comfort of Heaven's pure love.
Loved ones are not left behind and alone by those that go before us
They continue to watch over and guide us when we try to do what's right.
They are here to comfort and aid us in our times of pain and despair.
They are here when we call out to them in the middle of the night
They are closer to us now then they ever were before.

I still cry and miss my precious son terribly.
I miss his sweet voice and his gentle touch.
The grieving will never be done. But the anger is gone.
New understanding has replaced the blame.
When the game of life gets too hard, I know that my Christian is sitting beside me
Invisibly holding my hand and whispering in my ear "Everything is going to be alright."
I still have bad, bad days when missing him is almost too much to bear.

But on other days I see him in the rising and setting sun,
In the dew on the grass in the morning.
In softly falling snowflakes and in the rainbow in the sky.
I hear his voice in the rustling leaves
And in the rain as it falls on rooftops and taps on my windows.
I see him in moonbeams and star light on warm summer nights.
I see him in sunbeams as the break through the trees in early morning.
I see the twinkle in his eye when light reflects and dances like fire in diamonds and crystals.
I am reminded of the wonder that was him when I see a shooting star.
I feel his presence when bulbs break through the soil in Spring and the first flowers emerge.
I feel the force of his love in the thunderstorms and wind that bends the trees.

I am filled with peace knowing that he surrounds me in the innocence and beauty of Nature. I can almost feel the gentle caress of his fingertips on my hand.


"Life on earth is but one brief moment in time,
I am finally home, Eternity is mine."

~~~Author Unknown~~~

Sunday, December 25, 2011

COLOR OUR CHRISTMAS MERRY AND BRIGHT - December 25, 2011

This is the time of year
When thoughts turn
To Christmas cheer
Bells ring, songs are sung
Tinsel on fragrant trees is hung.

Town squares are brightly lit
Manager scenes before churches sit
"The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of sugar plums danced in their heads."
Traditional poems and stories of Christmas retold.


Hot chocolate, hot toddies, cold winter nights
Snow covers the hills and dales in cold frosty white.
Families gather, fires in fireplaces burn warm and bright
Gifts under the tree, colorful twinkling lights
Childhood stockings on the mantle are hung
In hopes that dear Santa soon will come.

Christmas morning in our baby's first


Like another baby when he first arrived on earth
Long, long ago in a far distant land
This is His birthday, let's not forget
If not for Him, no gifts would we give.
So stop for a moment and give thanks
For Him, earth's most precious gift.

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord."


Children rush down the stairs
Laughter and excitement fills the air
For a moment they stop as the sight is taken in
Shiny paper, bright bows. Packages lie
Under branches bright with Christmas tree lights.

Gifts are distributed by the designated elf
Paper goes flying. Oohs and Ahhs ring out
As newly received presents are held up
Hugs around necks and kisses on cheeks are placed
As the neatly kept living room is laid to waste.



The tree is quickly devoid of its splendor
Gone are the ribbons trappings, and bows
Eager, hungry eyes still desiring more
To the decorated mantle their attention goes
Where to their delight the stockings are stuffed full
Candy canes peek over the top, tangerines fill the toe.

Toward the dangling treasures they quickly rush
When suddenly together they all stop.
Like a wounded soldier one stocking
Hangs empty amongst the rest.
Silence fils the room as in reverence they stand
Each reaches out and takes another's hand
Tears slide down each and every cheek.


Tears for the loved one that use to be here
The father, the brother, the uncle, and son
Who we never guessed wouldn't always be near
To fill our lives with his love and warm cheer
To tell stories that made us laugh till we cried.
Never, ever would we guess that he would die.


From the silence a sweet voice is heard
"Uncle Christian, I love you and I miss you."
We repeat "dearest Christian, we love and miss you too."
Laughter rings out as the children gleefully rush in
And with great zeal their stockings they plunder.
As we sit happily watching with childlike grins.

The presents are all opened. It's time to clean up.
Gathering up paper I suddenly feel a cool breeze on my cheek
And do you see it? Over there a white feather gently floating down
Signs from above! Our hearts are filled with love, our faces glow
The stocking may hang empty, his absence strongly felt
But deep in our hearts each and everyone of us know
He is here with us and his love and caring he continues to show.

I feel something brush my face like the gentle mist of Spring rain
My hand goes to my cheek as I gently press into my soul his kiss
This Christmas day I will leave behind the hurt and the pain
And with arms held high I will give thanks in His Holy Name
For the blessings of family and for God's greatest gift -
The promise of Life Everlasting.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.


To my wonderful, amazing family and friends and to everyone everywhere I hope you had the merriest of Christmases and I wish you the richest of blessings in the New Year.

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY DEAREST CHRISTIAN. I miss you every moment of every day. Thank you for sending us reminders that life is eternal. I love you, love you, love you! Momma

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Ding dong, Ding dong, Ding dong Ding


I've been wondering of late and hope you know
It seems as though I did a long, long time ago
But do I really, honesty and truly exist?
Or over the water am I only the mist
Am I a vapor trail high up in the sky
Or just a shadowy reflection in your eye?

Perhaps I am the fog rising up from the cold, damp ground
Or one of the invisible friends that no longer comes around.
It seems I can remember once being whole
A real live person with a heart and a soul
What happened to that person, where did she go?
Sometimes people guess but they don't actually know.

I look in the mirror and there's no one there
Am I only a dust particle floating in the air
Or am I the spooky sounds you hear in the night
The ones that wake you up in a state of fright?
If you reached out to me with your loving touch
And couldn't find me, would you miss me very much?

You look at this shell that once housed the living
See, it's walking talking, laughing, smiling, singing
But I'm not there. I've gone away and took with me my mind
Which is funny because that's the part of me I still can't find
When last I saw it, the poor thing was in sad, sad shape
It just wanted to hide in the back of my head and escape.

My mind hid away and took my eyes and ears along
It wanted to shut out the decorations, lights, and songs
It wanted to turn off Christmas bells ringing out "ding dong"
"Ding Dong" "Ding dong" all of that noise is so wrong
For a grieving heart the holiday season is too prolonged.
It was nice for a while but now it's time to say so long.

This time of year is too painful; heart, mind, soul disconnected
How do you insulate yourself, make sure you're protected
When every where you go there's reminders that break your heart
Remembering the one you loss and how it tore your life apart.
To protect others from my sorrow, I hid myself away
Crying, screaming, weeping, then I come out and act like its just another day.

When we are so broken, how do we put our lives back together again
You will have to ask someone smarter than me ... perhaps a wise friend.
As for me, I'll go on pretending and dreaming and wishing upon a star
That someday, no matter who we are, that our dreams will all come true
And we will find the wholeness that we all once knew.

******************************************************************

The holidays will soon be over and as hard as it is, I'll be sad to see parts of it go. I sincerely do love the lights illuminating the houses and streets and store fronts. Everything looks so festive and happy. This seems to be a contradiction to all that I've said but I am a person to which contradiction is no stranger. It comes from trying to see the issues from all sides and since the sides are all different, so is my thinking.

This one thing I know to be true and without contradiction: the holidays are unbelievably difficult if you've lost someone that you deeply love. Instead of embracing old holiday traditions, we run away from them because the absence of the loved one is too strongly felt during those times. It is sad for us and for the rest of family that look to us to be their strength and to fill in the empty places in their lives.

On January 18, 2012, I will be entering my third year in this loss process. I'm told it eventually gets easier with time; but for me, this holiday season is harder than the last one. I suppose it's easier in the respect that I don't dread the arrival of Christmas because I survived last year and will survive this year and many more Christmases too come - God willing. There are just so many things I still can't do but I'm hoping that in time the pain will lessen and I will be able to enter a store or go to the mall without having a melt down. I don't know how long it will take but I'll patiently wait until the day I can walk through the doors and not be sadden by the sight of Christmas decorations. Today I am going to put all that aside and just sit back, relax, and "wonder what Christmas in Heaven is like."

"And I wonder...
Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold?
Are the mansions all covered in white?
Are you singing with the angels Silent Night?
I wonder ....
What Christmas in Heaven is like."

Are you kneeling with shepherds before Him now
Can you reach out and touch His face
Are you part of that glorious Holy night?
I wonder.....
What Christmas in Heaven is like."

` Christmas in Heaven, Music by Jeremy Johnson and Paul Marino ~

Monday, December 19, 2011

CHRISTMAS TIME ONCE AGAIN - 2011





We have a Christmas tree this year. My husband bought it and put it up while I was in Nevada visiting my mother. It isn't tall or beautiful. It's small and it isn't real. Truthfully it's kind of a Charlie Brown tree with paper pine needles but it has lights and brightens the parlor and makes the entryway cheerful. The only thing I've hung on it so far is a single candy cane. It looks lonesome hanging there all by it self. Why does that solitary candy cane remind me of Christian and how much I miss him? But then everything seems to remind me of how much I miss him this time of year. There are so many reminders: Thanksgiving, his birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of his death. Too many. I don't have time to get over one before another arrives and comes crashing in on me.




I want so badly to enjoy the holidays but I can't even bring myself to go to the store and you can just forget the mall. I've tried it twice now with bad results. When I was in Nevada, my Mom wanted to go to Target to walk around and get some exercise because it was a cold, rainy, windy day - windy like it can only be in the desert - and she didn't want to be outside. Reluctantly I went with her and came home with such a heavy heart. I don't know why Christmas shopping makes me so sad but it does. I suppose because Christian took such pleasure in it. Every gift was selected with the greatest care. It made him so happy. So full of joy and anticipation of the moment when his gift would be opened. He was a man but so much like a little boy on Christmas morning. My heart would overflow with love watching him.




This year we have a Christmas tree. Last year - Christian's first Christmas in Heaven - we had no tree and no presents. No ribbons or bows. No lights.

I like our little tree. I love the way the baby crawls over to it and it lights up his beautiful little face in different colors. With two little fingers he gently grasps the paper pine needles and the lighted bulbs. There is such magic in watching him discover the beauty of Christmas. I find my joy in watching him. He is such a happy little guy and he brings so much happiness into our lives.

He lives with his Uncle Ken and Auntie Stephanie now and only comes for visits. He was here this weekend. How I love taking him out of his crib in the early morning when he is still warm and cuddly from sleep. He gives me the biggest smile and then lifts his little arms out to me to pick him up. How that warms my heart. I know that they love him and take really good care of him; and they may love him as much as I do but they will never love him more.

Now I dreaded Christmas last year but it arrived right on schedule as it does every year. Each family unit made their way to my daughter's house, and not only was it not bad it was wonderful. Such warmth, such love. We talked about Christian but we were not consumed with sadness because our memories of him were full of laughter and good times spent together. That is why I don't dread Christmas this year. I just can't get excited about it. This emotion isn't exclusively mine. I know survivors all over the world are feeling the same way.

I wish we could all get together and give each other a giant warm group hug. We could cry a little if we wanted to, laugh if we felt like it, and then sit in silence and be reflective. And it would all be okay because we would understand; and there would be no need for explanation.