TAKING A TIME OUT

Taking a Time Out

January 14, 2011

I am taking a time out.  I have placed myself in a mental corner.  My world consists of two walls that intersect.  That corner is my new world.  In my solitude, mentally curled up in my chair and wrapped in the softest of blankets, I sit and try to figure out what I am feeling.  After emptying my mind of all thought and sinking down into that secret part of me, I allow myself to be bombarded with only emotion.  Or perhaps I should say all the emotion of the past year.  In doing this I have discovered that there are no words.   No words that can properly explain the depth of my feelings - not to myself, nor to the reader.  No words for my sense of loss or lostness.  No way to explain the vastness of the void, the endless drop into emptiness, and that huge place in my heart where there is only hurt and pain.  No way to explain that "thing" - that dark black "thing" - that covers me totally and completely.  The "thing" that drains me of life and the desire to be part of life.

I cannot explain, or understand, why, when I am so loved, that that is not enough.  Why is the impending birth of my new grandson not enough to bring exhilarating excitement and joy to me.  It should.  I don't understand it.  The thought of holding that precious little baby in my arms and cradling his warm body against me should lift me out of this dark place.  This black void that I find myself drifting and floating in.  No light, no air.  The memory of Persephone and Benton's hugs and laughter should do it.  The sweetness and devotion of my darling Brandon should do it.  The deep love of my children and husband and my Mom and sister and brothers and all my extended family and friends should do it.  But nothing does.

If I could close my eyes and drift away forever, I would.  I cannot say that Christian's death is totally responsible; but I cannot say that it is not.  I love each and everyone of my children with all my heart.  This is the part that is so hard to figure out, so hard to understand.  Why when I love so much do I feel so numb, so out of touch.  I just feel so tired and so empty and so weak.

While it is true that I have been physically not well since this Fall, I can no longer tell what is causing this mental and physical failing of my body and mind.  Is it mental? is it physical? is it both?  Or is it because January 18th - the first anniversary of Christian's passing - is just a few days away?  I don't know.  There is no understanding.  There are no words of explanation.  What I must do is ......

Take a Time Out

Ah, sweet solitude

Soft pillow, warm blanket

Cuddle up.  Shut down.

Drop out.  Turn off.