Artificial Manipulation

Shadow people. That is what I call them. Shadow people. Those people who live behind the scenes in your shadow. They don't know what is happening in your life - don't really care, don't understand where your heart is, or what hardship you're living with. Then they show up and tell you how to live your life, what to feel, what not to feel, and if you do exactly as they you tell you, everything will be alright and you'll be back on track. They do their best to manipulate you into believing they know what is best for you. They bend your thinking this way and that way. Twist your thoughts. They try to make you feel incompetent and weak so they can feel stronger and superior. They want to be your savior and your hero.

In this artificial act of "kindness" they are actually attempting to crush your spirit and mold you into something they think you should be. And consciously or not, they confuse you into not being true to yourself. After all they wouldn't be saying what they are unless they really care about you. They usually begin their onset with "I really love you (or care about you) and don't want to hurt your feelings but...."

Grieving people are especially vulnerable to such uncaring people. Because they approach under the guise of kindness, their actions are especially hurtful. They, who have never lost a loved one to suicide, presume to know how we feel, how long our grieving period should last, and when we should put it all behind us and "live in the present".

It is these people that try to silence us. When we speak, they are uncomfortable because suicide is an uncomfortable subject. For so long it was a taboo subject. A forbidden topic of conversation. If spoken of at all, it was spoken of in whispers. Families of suicide victims were shunned. There was a social stigma attached to it. Society said it was disgraceful and a sin. We have now found our community voice. Our collective voice is loud and firm and it says "you are wrong". There is a new understanding of suicide because we are no longer silent.

I recently had an unpleasant experience that did, for a while, crush my spirit and made me question myself and the worth of this blog. Thankfully a lot of sincerely caring family and friends - some new, some old, some survivors of suicide like myself - encourage me to continue on. They lifted me up after I had been torn down.

He wrote: "Your posts about suicide I have found very unnerving. After your last one, I blocked them. That night I did send you something about living in the present and stop living in the past. Do you really think that Christian wants you dwelling on his death or would he prefer you to celebrate his life? I have no desire to hurt you or I would have written something to you about it then but since you sent me this I will speak my piece. "I believe" that dwelling on his death diminishes him and depresses you. Your writing about it constantly depresses me. Linda I do love and care about you. Please take this to heart."

My response, in part: "Thank you for the advise and your concern; however, there are many, many survivors of suicide that would disagree with you. I get so many emails stating how my blog has helped them. They need to know that someone else is feeling the exact same way they are. It gives them permission to open up and share their experiences and their feelings. This journey includes new travelers and ones that have been on the journey for some time. The new travelers need to know they are not alone and those that are not so new need to know that it is okay to still be in a state of grief - that there is no time limit on the grieving process.

My blog is not everyone - absolutely not for everyone - Some, like you, will find it uncomfortable and depressing. But for tender hearts that have suffered the loss of a loved one, there is a very great need for a place to go and know that they are not alone. That someone else is hurting in the same way they are. Something positive must come from Christian's death and this is my way of hopefully helping others.

In no way is Christian's death being diminished. I think of him every day, many times a day. We were so close and loved each other so much. He was a kind, loving, caring human being and he helped others in any way he could. He would want me to write this blog if it could possibly help ease someone through their pain.

It helps to keep his memory alive. He already knows that I am hurting but he also sees that I am getting stronger and moving forward and this journal and this blog are helping me do that. I am not living in the past. I am living in my present. And that present is one where grief and sorrow are my constant companions. They always will be. Christian is my son. He will never be part of my past. He will always be in my present and in my future.

So while I care about your opinions, I am choosing not to take your advise."

****************************************************************************************

We are not mannequins that can be manipulated at the whim of others. Sometimes hurtful advise is given with the kindest of intentions and we must realize that it comes from a place of inexperience and lack of knowledge. At those times our responses must be tempered with understanding and kindness. We may be grieving but we are still strong and courageous and beautiful. Never allow yourselves to be discouraged or crushed by "kind" intentions.