REALITY OR ILLUSION: One Foot In and One Foot Outside the Looking Glass

I have hanging on my wall a framed license issued to me by the Supreme Court. A license regulated by the Bar Association of the State of Washington. This hard earned and, at one time, much cherished piece of paper tells me that  once upon a time I was an important person doing a very important job. The license doesn't tell anyone how hard I worked or how many years I dedicated to training and education, all the while being a single mom to five children, before I even took the test to get this license. It doesn't begin to explain how much my family and I sacrificed so I could excel in my profession. I sacrificed time with my family and my personal life all for a job. I regret that now but that was my reality until I retired in 2007.

This was a job of unbelievable daily stress and long, long hours. Twelve to fourteen hour days more the norm than the exception. I took it home with me at night; I woke up with it in the morning; I even took it into the shower with me (where I did some of my best thinking).

 I did make it a rule, however, to never take the job with me on weekends, holidays, or during the three to four weeks of vacation each year. That was my time to escape and time set aside strictly for family. Those breaks from work gave me time to recoup, regroup, and begin again refreshed. It seemed in those days that work was my reality and time away from work, an illusion.

 But what happens when there is no escape from the harsh world of reality into the softer world of illusion? What happens when the reality you're living hurts both physically and mentally? What happens when you want to turn reality off and you can't?

 When you think about it, just what is reality anyway? The dictionary says: "Reality - noun - the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them." So what happens when you're told your reality is wrong? that what you're feeling is wrong?

As our society of survivors grows larger and more people are opening up and sharing their experiences, I am constantly amazed and horrified by the degree of pain inflicted by family members or friends on the bereaved. I can almost understand when friends and family leave because they don't know how to deal with the sorrow in our lives; but I totally do not understand intentionally inflicting more pain into the life of someone already overcome with the devastating effects of the loss of a loved one to an unforeseeable and untimely death. I sometimes wonder if they are striking out because they don't know how deal with the grief and frustration in their own lives.

Whatever the reason, it breaks my heart that at a time when family and friends should be the most kindhearted, the most sensitive, and the most caring, they somehow lose part of their humanity. Where does that viper's tongue and those catlike claws come from that pierce and shred a survivors heart leaving it bloody and torn. I don't understand it. Where is the support in this time of mutual and shared sorrow? I really, really don't understand.

 I do understand this. There are times in our lives when in order to survive, we must walk away from damaging relationships. We should walk away before we let others push us into being untrue to ourselves. We shouldn't compromise what we know to be true and what we feel is right for us and our children just to please someone else. What makes them think they know better than you what is best for you during your time of grieving; or when it's time for the pain to end and for you to move on into another phase of your life. Especially when your reality says that you are in pain. For you that is "the world or the state of things as they actually exist." 

Jim Morrison of The Doors said it very well:

 "People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

I have spent an enormous amount of time and energy hiding my pain and pretending that I am fine. I'm not altogether sure if the reason was to convince myself I'm doing okay; or because I didn't want to burden those around me. Both seem to apply.

While I may not get all fired up and picture myself as a warrior with drawn sword declaring to the world "I WILL OWN MY PAIN!", I have come to the realization that it is time to accept who I am and what I've become.   I have drown in the mire of sorrow and been spit out a different person.  It is time that I accepted this new reality I find myself living.

Our experiences as survivors mold us into who we are. Our experiences. We should not let the hands of others shape the clay of our innermost being into anything other than the free spirited, strong, unique beings we are.   We are okay just the way we are.

Having said that, I do acknowledge that there are times when our lives feel totally out of control. There are so many times when grief knocks the wind out of our sails and we find ourselves adrift in a sea of despair. That's going to happen and does happen. We accept that as part of our "new normal". Our new reality. We can't change it. We can only accept it.

When life gets too hard and I no longer want to face my current realty, I like to close my eyes and drift off into the land of fantasy (creative imagination) and/or illusion (a mistaken perception of realty).  My Mom calls that daydreaming. Others might call it form of mediation.

Albert Einstein said, "Reality is merely an Illusion, although a very persistent one." Is an illusion the beautiful world of make believe where every girl is a princess? Or a place where even a little boy can slay a giant? Perhaps it's a place where cheshire cats hang in midair; or caterpillars smoke a hookah on colorful mushrooms. Maybe it's a place where the inhabits wear outrageous clothes and gaze at their futures in crystal balls.

Or is it a barren and ravaged land abandoned by man and beast alike? On occasion my soul feels like that abandoned landscape. And then other times I become part of the moon and stars on a clear, crisp night.

Or is illusion merely a dream-like state? "The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened." - author unknown.

 Several times I have dreamed of my son and it was so, so real I though he was there next to me.   So strong was my desire to continue on with the dream  that upon awaking,  I was still so wrapped up in my dream that for a very short time I didn't realize that I was awake. The memory of the dream was so powerful that it held me in its embrace for days to come.

"If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities."  - Maya Angelou

 At times realty is so difficult and it hurts so much. Let me, if only for a short while, live in the beautiful world of fantasy and the magical world of illusion. Let me fly through the heavens and reach for the stars.

Let this sadness leave me for as long as my imagination will allow.


"I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me. I see what I want, I want what I see and that is all okay with me." - Itzah C. Kret


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"This is my wish for you. Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life." - Anonymous