I wish.....

I wish it were so but not every day is filled with sunshine and butterflies.  I wish I could tell you my fellow survivors, my dear friends,  that after so much time has passed that everything will be all better.  I wish that I could tell you that the sadness you feel will go away.   How I wish I could tell you that your pillow will never again become wet with your tears.  I wish I could tell you that the heaviness that surrounds your heart will be made lighter with time and eventually disappear.  So many things I wish I could tell you - could tell myself.


Time does not heal but in time we learn to live with the pain.  This is not any easy task but one that permits us to go on.  Allows us to put one foot in front of the other.


How many times have you felt you were just a shadow?   Sometimes it is very much like what I think an out-of-body experience must be like.   I see myself talking, walking around, smiling, laughing, doing every day things; but it's like I'm not really there.  I feel like an observer to my own life. 

  


I try so hard..... so very hard to be a whole person.  A real person.  A happy person.  I succeed only part of the time.  I like to think of myself as resilient, positive, and upbeat but lately my heart is so heavy.  I even find myself feeling impatient with others because I'm unhappy.  I try not to show it but I FEEL IT.


Don't you just hate that about grief?  You think you're going along just fine and then suddenly, out of no where, all that sadness sweeps in and pulls  you down  into a deep, dark funk.   I wish there was an easy answer.  I wish there was a way to wish ourselves out of that dark place.  Or even better, that we never went there in the first place. I even wish there was a pill I could take that would make me happy but there isn't.  I've tried the pills doctors prescribe but they don't take away the hurt.  They dull the fringes of emotions but they never reach the deep, devastating pain.  The enduring pain.


This is where "time" comes in.  I know that with time I'll start to feel better again.  I always do.  And when I do, I'm going to jump onto my surfboard and ride that wave called "hope" to the top and enjoy being there before cresting the wave.  Then I'll ride the wave for as far and for as long as I can.  I'll hold on tight, dug in with everything I've got,  and hope that I don't fall and crash.  But if I do, I'll pick myself up, brush off the sand, and climb back onto that board called "determination" and try again.  


Excuse me just a moment.  I can't seem to find my surfboard.  I know it's here somewhere.  Hey! has anyone seen my surfboard ... the one with the word "Determination" printed on it?  No?  Dang! I was hoping you'd seen it.  I'll just keep looking for it until I find it.  Its got to be here..... 


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Wishing and hoping that when the darkness arrives that it will pass quickly and the sunshine returns in abundance - to all of us.