I hope there never comes a time when I fail to hear the voice within the raindrops splashing against my window; or see creation in the sunrise; or to cease feeling the urge to write poetry when waves crash against the shore; or to feel vulnerable when standing at the edge of a mountain cliff overlooking a vast forest of trees below; or to be in awe of a single snowflake; or to feel in the presence of God when looking at the reflected golden rays of the sun as it sets over the ocean. I never want to be in such a hurry that I fail to see that single flower blooming all alone in the grass; or the first firefly of summer. Life holds so much magic if only we observe and recognize the gifts put before us by a loving hand.
A little over a week ago Patrick and I went to the ocean for a couple of days. On the way home we stopped at Christian's Roadside Memorial site.
I had been feeling so, so, so sorrowful for some time and just couldn't seem to overcome those horribly oppressive feelings ... not even the beautiful escape to the ocean brightened my mood. I don't know that I had ever felt that bad for such an extended period of time before. When Christian first left us, all I felt for the longest time was numbness. Now two years and four months later I was really feeling the impact of his death - possibly for the first time. My mental visions of him were so vibrant, my memories so clear, my longing to have him close to me so strong, my grief so overwhelming. My tears so frequent, my emotions so raw.
The Memorial site is a very short distance from the place where he actually died. Every time I have gone there, a hawk has circled over head. Some times more than one. Ancient Native Americans, and some tribes still today, believe that the hawk is a messenger bringing tidings from the Great Spirit; and hawk's cry signals the need for the beholder to heighten awareness and receive a message. I am a believer in signs. I don't search for signs but I appreciate and try to recognize them when they come into my life.
On this visit to the Memorial site I walked the short distance to the place where my Christian died. As I paused at that spot and looked down with an aching and broken heart, I saw lying there on the ground a rock shaped like a heart. Not a perfectly shaped heart but an easily recognizable heart. A symbol of my broken heart. I had looked down at that spot many, many times; if the rock had been there before, surely I would have seen it. Instantly I felt this sense of great peace. It was as though I almost heard Christian telling me that he loved me, that he understood the pain I was feeling, and that everything was going to be alright. That heavy weight I had been feeling and carry around for so long was lifted from my heart as I bent down and picked up this very special gift.
Native Americans believe that hawk medicine allows us to intuitively and clearly understand the message that is being sent to us. If that can be applied to what happened to me that day, I can't say for sure. All I know for a certainty is that I came away believing that Christian had spoken to my heart.
From my experience through just the process of living life, I have discovered that in the silence of the quiet mind we become more receptive to the messages and gifts bestowed upon us. It is also in that quiet place that we discover our own personal power, strength, and wisdom.
Life is a never-ending cycle of self-transformation. My brothers and sisters in sorrow, as you well know we have been changed forever. Our lives and how we look at life will never be the same; but even so, we continue to evolve and grow. We lean on each other, we support each other, and we learn from each other. We give of ourselves to one another. One of the greatest lessons I have learned from you and from my own spiritual growth is that our loved ones continue to communicate with us from the great beyond. They continue to show their love and concern for us. They are there when we need them. They send us small gifts to bring us understanding and peace. And for that I am so thankful.
I am sorry for your loss.My son was 29 and died by suicide jan.17, 2011...Your finding the heart and explaining the Hawk is beautiful.Much Love to you, Vic
ReplyDeleteLinda,
ReplyDeleteI have been following your posts for almost a year now, and I just wanted you to know how much you have inspired me to try to be a better person, as a friend, sister, mother, daughter...... Your writings are inciteful, thought provoking, extemely sensitive, and of course of an extensively personal nature, and for that I commend your ability to be abe to articulate your feelings so genuinely and thoughtfully.
Just as a thought, if you were to publish your writings it is possible you could reach out to those who are experiencing these same feelings yet feeling alone and unable to express their own feelings....those who maybe do not have internet savvy......or are more apt to reading a "real" book.
You beautiful eloquent words have so much to offer so many people, and this could also be an opportunity to start a fund in Christian's name for proceeds to benefit those also dealing with suicide or suicide prevention.....just a thought....
You and your family are in my prayers, and I will continue to read your wonderful posts. God bless, Leslie
Leslie, Thank you for your kind words and your encouragement. I have no knowledge of how one goes about getting a book published. I've looked at some self-publishing sites and it appears that it takes a lot of $$$$. If anyone has any ideas, I would sincerely like to hear about them. I think I need someone to take my hand and lead me along.
ReplyDelete