That triggers a memory
Or a sudden intense longing
That springs forth from my heart.
Sitting next to him
I sigh deeply
What's wrong he asks
Nothing I softly reply.
On other occasions
When the same has happened
And instead of saying "nothing"
I have said "I miss Christian so much"
As tears roll down my cheeks.
He either makes a barely audible sigh
Or pats my leg.
Then he quickly changes the subject
And talks on about nothing in particular.
Nothing of importance to me anyway
Not then, not at that moment.
He doesn't know how to fix it...
How to fix my broken heart.
Neither do I.
Not knowing what to say
He says nothing.
It's easier for him that way
And that's okay
It's how he deals.
I don't know how to help him either.
We both hurt.
I write about my feelings
He holds everything in.
Neither of us talk about it.
Never talk about that dark day
When Christian died.
The day he took his own life.
He was with him on that terrible day
Witnessed the brutality of a gunshot
That explodes through a head.
Watched as our son lay bleeding and dying.
Then he had to tell me that my cherished son...
A child that I loved so deeply...
Had died.
Had died on the cold ground
On that January day 2010.
What I heard, what he saw
Is burned forever in our memories.
What really is there to say?
No words can change anything.
No amount of tears will bring him back.
Nothing will remove those pictures
From our minds.
Forever I will remember holding
My dearly beloved son's hand that last time
And leaning over him to kiss his cold forehead
Saying that final good bye to his earthly body.
His precious sweet body that I brought forth
Into this world from my own body.
He was so beautiful, so perfect.
He and I had a special bond
Even before he drew his first breath
A bond that will never be broken.
No matter where the other is
We are forever bound together.
The third Mother's Day since he passed
Is quickly approaching
And every day I am sad
Horribly, terribly, tragically sad.
I have other children
Children still living
Children that I love so very much
Children that make me so proud
And bring so much love and happiness
Into my life.
And beautiful, wonderful grandchildren
That light up my world with their smiles.
But still I am sad. Especially now
As Mother's Day approaches.
Horribly, terribly, tragically and eternally sad.
He wrote in his letter that we shouldn't be sad
He said that he knew that we would miss him
Just as he would miss us
But that it was something that he had to do
On his own terms and in his own way.
That he was at peace with his decision.
His words bring me a degree of peace,
Understanding, and acceptance.
But understanding doesn't take away the sadness.
Even though my arms may be empty
And my walk may be lonely
I know that he has found comfort
In the arms of our loving Heavenly Father.
I believe that on this very day
He is with other angels
That decided that life was too
Hard to bear on this sometimes
Unforgiving and harsh world.
They celebrate together their new life
In a place of eternal joy.
I grieve not for what his life is now
But for my own loss at not having him
In my arms, in my life. I miss his
Laughter, his hugs, the joy of who he was,
His zeal for life.
The sorrow I feel is for me
Not for him because he is in a glorious
Holy place where there are no tears or heartache.
That knowledge makes my sadness
And my pain easier to bear.
******************************************
Dearest Christian,
For all the pain I must endure
I am still so happy that you were my child
I rejoice in the memories of your life.
I am sadden by the pain you suffered
And I am glad your pain has ended.
I celebrate the peace you have found.
Some day we will again walk hand in hand
Like we did when you were a little boy
With curly red hair and sparkling blue eyes
And a skip in your step
Until that glorious day, Be at peace my child
And walk with God.
Thank you for being one of my children
Thank you for giving me a reason
To celebrate Mother's Day.
You will never be far from my thoughts
And you will dwell within my heart always.
I love you with all my heart precious one.
Momma
Christian and his son Benton in Seaside, Oregon
you know he wants you to have a happy mothers day - do it for him, your family and for yourself. Christian asked you to continue with life and love and happiness - he made it clear he wasn't taking that from you - love him by being happy on a day he would want you to smile and enjoy - feel love embracing you - the flesh may be gone but love remains. God bless. your big bro loves ya.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love you. Thank you for being in my life and for reminding me that all Christian ever wanted was for all of us to be happy.
DeleteLinda: As I read you lovely and poetic words to your son, something inside me draws you near to me.... and maybe it is not a forever thing, maybe just this one moment of sharing, a time in your life I was given the gift of by you his mother. I am not as brave yet. It seemed to by a typical day, as any other, and so far that week was going bumpy but not too bumpy if you know what I mean. My mother(Gram) and I raised Anth alone, so when you hear me refer to his Gram that would her. Things were always difficult. But, along the path to this end, there were many many wonderful moments. Also many dark moments, when my own frustration would give in to the evil words that sometimes spewed out of our mouths. Those memories hurt, they cut like a knife, not so much what I said as what I did not say. I never wanted to believe this would or even could happen to him, I prayed everyday, right, is that not what we were to do to prevent such tragedies? Pray? I now believe the prayers were for God's answers, not mine. So, on January 29th, 2012, my son, Anthony, chose to swallow something down which he knew would do what he wanted it to do. The other attempts were just necessary for him to find out for himself what it would take to really do the "job" and do it quickly. When I returned home the door was locked and rang door bell, and still could not get in, then rang neighbors door to get into building, and when I knocked he just put the deadbolt on the door, I KNEW, A MOTHER JUST KNOWS. I went back down and borrowed the same neighbors' cell and called 911 told them that I was locked out of my apt where my son was in, still moving about but because meds went missing he was in trouble again. They dispatched only one cop. He refused to kick the door in even though they had done so 2 or more times before, in fact, he made me wait 45 minutes for the landlord to get there, never called paramedics to come out, nothing, as I begged, cried, screamed, pleaded with this officer to open the door now, if he took this stuff we only had minutes to get in there. He refused. By the time the landlord came, we had to go up the icy back stairs (outside stairs) to get in to the back door, and when the door was unlocked I saw on my kitchen floor the lifeless body of my beautiful 31 year old son, only son, who I had at age 17, and grew up with, still warm, not in rigor, not stiff or cold, and I begged again, please call paramedics they can give him shots of norcon to revive him, or paddles anything, but, no Anthony NEVER received any medical treatment. It was as if he did not count for any reason, Landlord and cop both told me to get away from him, and in one fell swoop we were pushed out of the apartment and led out to the front lawn where I let out a cry that the heavens could hear for at least 15 minutes. The rest is just alot more botched jobs on the police, detectives, and coroner who did not get there for over an hour. After, they took my baby, my baby boy, who was in a man's body in a black bag out of my house. I was taken by family to the hospital for sedatives which did nothing at all for me, now I understand why people refuse them, they do not work. So, here I am, reaching out to folks like yourselves, who suffer just as I do to understand the "Why" of it all. There were no letters left for me, no notes, just an empty house with an empty room, and the kitties he brought home so many years ago. Anthony, I will take care of them for you now. I will keep all the things you left in the same order, and when I go, hopefully there may be someone who will wrap them up again. I will love you my sweet son, for the rest of my days and hope to love you more when our Lord and Saviour brings me home to you in the mansion that was prepared. May God have mercy on my soul and on the soul of my son that one day we will be reunited.
ReplyDeleteCherish those kitties. I hope that they give you some comfort in the hard and long days ahead. I feel for your pain at the loss of your precious son especially when there may have been a chance if the police had of done things differently that he might of still be with you and that is the most frustrating part. It makes you want to scream why didn't they do more.
DeleteWith our son Scott he told a mate a fortnight before hand, Gavin, that he had brought a rope. Gavin told another friend, Ian (who knew that Scott had attempted suicide before and had been involved with us about it) So why didn't he ring us and let us know, we would have done something straight away. Why didn't they take the rope. I know he could buy another one but at least it would be saying to him DON'T DO IT WE CARE.
On the day he texted his ex( not on good terms at all with her but as he had two children to her, that he adored, he had to keep in contact with her) to say he had just killed himself and for her to pick up the children from school. He texted about 10.30 am, she heard the message but says she did not read it until about 11.30 and then called 000 and very calmly relayed the message just as if she was reading out a shopping list.No urgency, no panic just so blaise. I am so mad that Gavin didn't take the rope, that Ian didn't let us know and that Sue didn't even care enough to drive 1/2 hour away to go to him. She continued working for the rest of the day and when my husband finally got on to her to tell her that Scott was gone at 3.30pm that afternoon she said 'That's not the outcome I expected.
I am sure if the children ever listen to the 000 tape she will have some questions to answer.
It is hard as we have to be nice otherwise she can stop contact with our grandchilren.
So anonyomous I know your hurt and frustration at the what should of, could of and didn't happen but unfortunately we can't go back. IF ONLY WE COULD. This group is a great help as they all 'get it' so for Anthony's sake treasure his kitties and take care of yourself. Hugs and xxx to you
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteMy heart is torn apart by your words and what you were forced to endure. I have read your comment three times and each time I cry. How raw your wounds are. I can only imagine how desperate, frustrated, and angry you must have felt. I wish there was some way for me to help ease you through your pain. We are sisters on this journey and I am here for you to lean on whenever you feel the need. I will hold you up, give you comfort, love, and be the shoulder for you to cry on. You are not alone. There are unfortunately many of us that understand what you are going through. This is my email address is: bijou.bunnies@gmail.com if you'd like to write to me. Much love and many hugs, Linda
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