As we awaited the arrival of the last of the family, my anxiety continued to grow. What had started out as just a worry was by late afternoon almost a full blown anxiety attack. Would I be strong enough? To go to this place would mean facing my demons and accepting my son's death. Accepting that I would never again see him (I wasn't at this point able to think of him on any other than an earthly plain), never hold him again, never hear this voice, see his smile, and hear his laugher, never feel the warmth of his body, or just be in his presence.
Fear filled me like never before. I knew I had to go but my mind and my heart were screaming one long, never ending "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" which turned into scream after scream after scream. At some point I realized that the scream wasn't just in my mind. My daughters came running to me to put their arms around me. Holding me, protecting me, comforting me. I do not know how long they held me that way but I do know that eventually I was no longer able to vocalize in any way - I was spent. No words, only sobs, soul wrenching sobs. A mother's cry for her lost child. A part of me had been ripped away in the cruelest, most difficult to understand way. Life had taken my youngest son. A child so near and dear to my heart.
When I could cry no longer, we began the procession of cars to the place where our beloved son, brother, grandson, uncle, and nephew had taken his last breath and felt his most desperate. Everyone followed our car because only Patrick knew the exact spot. All the way there a refrain from a song by John Michael Talbot played itself over and over in my mind and I sang it softly to myself "Be Not Afraid for I am With You Always". Just that one line over and over and over.
I would like to think that Christian had purposefully chosen this beautiful spot but that would not be true. One more truth that I must accept and acknowledge. It was indeed a place that he and I had stopped at and loved; and also a place that Patrick and I had visited to watch the elk graze on more than one occasion. But the truth is, this is the place that they happened to be at when he ask Patrick to pull over. The place he was when he had that final cell phone conversation. The place he was when he put the gun to his head, pulled the trigger, and ended it all. This was a place chosen by God to benefit the living and not the dying.
When we all got there and Patrick pointed out the exact spot, we all initially stood frozen - afraid to follow him. I quickly decided the "exact" spot would not do for our memorial site. It was too close to the road and a place that cars pulled into and out of. I chose instead a spot not to distant that was protected under the branches of a tree. A safe place for my baby.
The service was not planned and was only attended by family but it could not have been more beautifully done or more meaningful than if much time and effort had gone into the preparation. The site was prepared, the stones placed, flowers and candles adorned what for us was a sacred place. Bobby read a poem that he had written for his brother, little Persephone sang "I Am a Child of God", stones were placed by each person attending as a testament and celebration of Christian's life, tulip buds were placed against the pillars of stone to represent a new beginning, the candles were lit to represent the eternal flame of eternal life.
After our service was over, I walked over to the "exact" spot of my son's departure. My family sensed that I needed to do this alone. For some reason - still unknown to me - I needed to see or to find something that would be proof of my son's existence there in that place. I found nothing. I had seen his body at the funeral home, had even held his hand, talked to him, and gave him that last final kiss but still my mother's heart needed to find this one last thing to force me into acceptance and out of denial.
Looking back now, I am still not sure if it would have helped or not because grief is a long, complicated process and cannot be rushed. Recovery comes in its own time and at its own pace. And I, least of all, know when or if it will find me.
A VIEW OF THE MEADOW AND THE HILLS BEYOND
We Gather Together: February 21, 2010
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Family: Matt, Tiffany, Auntie Debbie, Mother: Linda, Stephanie, Ken, Ashley, Grandma Verity, Persephone, and Patrick Bobby appears in the photo below Sister Robyn was in Arizona and could not attend |
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STONES FOR A SACRED PURPOSE
These stones were found on our property in 2003. I did not know what their purpose would be but I felt in my heart that they had a special purpose. I knew in time that I would discover just the right place and the right application for this special gift. On February 21, 2010, I knew for a certainty why God had sent them to us.
Preparation of the Memorial Site and Placement of the Stones
A broken-hearted Grandmother watches
A Place of Serenity and Peace
The Candles were lit to represent the eternal flame of eternal life
Bobby reads the poem he wrote for his brother
Persephone sings "I Am a Child of God"
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| I am a child of God And He has sent me here Has given me an earthly home With parents kind and dear Lead me, guide me Walk beside me Help me find my way Teach me all that I must do To live with Him someday. |
Stones were placed as a testament and celebration of Christian's Life
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| Stephanie |
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| Patrick |
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| Bobby |
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| Tiffany |
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| Matt |
Flowers were placed at the Memorial to represent the Spring of Christian's life and the Summer of his Youth
The Tulips represent NEW BEGINNINGS
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| Ashley and Bobby |
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| Bobby |
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| Tiffany and Grandma Verity |
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| Aunt Debbie |
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| Ken |
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Memories surround me But sadness has found me I'd do anything for more time Never before has someone meant more And I can't get you out of my mind There is so much that I don't understand But I know... You're dancing with the angels Walking in new life You're dancing with the angels Heaven fills your eyes Now that you're dancing with the angels. You had love for your family Love for all people Love for the Father, and Son Your heart will be heard in unspoken words Through generations to come There is so much that I don't understand But I know... You're dancing with the angels Walking in new life You're dancing with the angels Heaven fills your eyes Now that you're dancing with the angels. We're only here for such a short time So I'm gonna' stand up, shout out And sing Hallelujah One day I'll see you again You're dancing with the angels Walking in new life You're dancing with the angels Heaven fills your eyes Now that you're dancing with the angels. Dancing with the Angels - lyrics by Ed Cash, Trent Monk, and Michael Neagle |
IN LOVING MEMORY OF A BELOVED SON, A FATHER, A BROTHER, AND AN UNCLE
CHRISTIAN SEAN JORGENSEN
WE LOVE YOU, WE MISS YOU, AND YOU WILL REMAIN FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS.
THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER YOU.
I've been following your blog and I'm so proud of you for deciding to post it. You have an amazing way of portraying your feelings and I know that it is going to touch so many people. It has touched me and I appreciate your insight. Thank you for sharing. You are an amazing woman and an incredible artist. I love that you are able to relay your thoughts, emotions, etc. in such a raw and real fashion. I feel inspired by how candid and genuine it comes across. Thank you.
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