Today is Sunday, January 16th. Tuesday, January 18th, will be the first anniversary of his passing. My family and I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since that day. Are we any closer to healing? I don't think so. It is still so hard. We get together more often. We hold on to each other a little tighter. As Tuesday approaches, it gets harder and harder for each of us. All of the holidays have been difficult without his happy presence but this is, of course, the most difficult of all.
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| First Anniversary Back row: Tiffany, Bobby, Stephanie, and Grandma Verity (my Mom) Front row: Persephone and Linda |
In my journal, this entry is 18 pages long. I doubt that you want to read that many pages at once so I will break it down into parts. There are typos. Please look past that and please fill in any left out words. Because I know there will be some. If this gets too hard for those that love Christian, stop reading. Also all of Christian's passwords in his letter have been changed and are no longer valid.
PART ONE:
September 25 , 2010
UNTITLED
I had thought that I should give this a title but nothing seemed appropriate, no words seemed right to explain what happened on, before, and after January 18, 2010. This entry is an accounting of those events. It has taken me eight months to put it on paper. I am beginning to forget or perhaps I'm trying to push those events to the back of my mind but I think, rightly or wrongly, that remembering is part of the healing process. Or perhaps I'm afraid that some memory will come rushing back and catch me unawares and pull me violently back into the trauma of that period in our lives.
This retelling of the events will no doubt be disjointed but I will try to put it together as cohesively as I can. So many things had happened that led up to the final chapter in Christian's earthly life. I am not going to outline those things in this letter. I am not willing at this time to try and explain everything that Christian went through that brought him to that final decision. That might not be fair because I am the only one that knows his entire story but it is long and complicated and today I feel the weight of it would be too much. Emotionally I can only handle this part of the story. This will be difficult enough.
This will be told in seven parts - an opening poem; Christian's last letter in its entirety; my profile on the Survivors of Suicide website; an email to a friend; my account of the days presiding January 18th, the events of that day - CAUTION! THIS MAY BE DIFFICULT READING FOR TENDER HEARTS, and the events that followed; and a closing poem. NOTHING IS BEING EDITED. It is not my intention to hurt anyone but I must give an honest accounting as I remember it - including my own guilt.
The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
an invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised ... I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
... Author unknown ...
*************************************
Christian's Letter dated Saturday, January 16, 2020, at 4:05 a.m.
me and my funeral
Hey my wonderful mom,
I have so many things going on right now. I just wanted to let you know I love you the most of anyone. Please give my love to all of the family and my friends. I would really appreciate it if you and everyone would be nice, kind, and loving to Tiffany if she makes it to my funeral. Please call all the people in my phones. You'll have to get the numbers off my broken phone so all my friends can know what happened to me (Bobby knows how to do it). Also I'm going to include my codes to my myspace account.
(NOT INCLUDED FOR SECURITY REASONS.)
Please contact as many people as you can.
I'll miss you and I'll be watching from above. Remember you mean the most to me and I love you w/ all my heart. Take care of yourself.
I hope I didn't forget anything. Please tell my friends to spread the word. Try to get a hold of Fazi. Her dad's gas station is on Dravis Street in Seattle it's a Chevron or a 76 station. Please tell her I've always loved her. And it would mean a lot to me if her and Kristen and Rhiannon could make it. Kristen was the love of my life. Give my love to all the people I have come in contact w/ they have all touched my heart. Tell Benton and Brandon they mean the world to me and I love them dearly.
PS you'll have to get the # numbers off the broken phone. I'll leave my phones on my night stand. I know it's a lot of work but I'm sure someone in the fam can help you out.
LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER!!!
Your son,
Christian
*************************************************
SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE
Member Profile
March 25, 2010
Name of Loved One: Christian Jorgensen
12/09/77 - 01/18/2010
Survivor: Linda DuBos Relationship: Mother
On January 18, 2010, I lost my son, Christian, to suicide - a gunshot wound to the head. He had been the guy that every other guy wanted to be like and every girl wanted to be with. He was loved and admired by so many people - especially his family. He and I were probably closer than most mothers and sons. One would think that he had everything going for him but deep depression doesn't skip the golden child. It has no boundaries and no special criteria. Anyone can fall into that deep dark pit of despair. My laughing happy child became so angry, so lost.
Now he's gone and I am the one lost and full of despair. Truthfully I spend most of my time feeling nothing at all. No joy. No happiness. And oddly, not the great sorrow I expected to feel. That I should feel. I am confused by this lack of emotion. I may laugh and smile but inside there is nothing but a great emptiness. Sometimes I feel anger. Anger at my husband for not being more sympathetic and understanding of what Chris was going through even though I had told him repeatedly that Christian was mentally fragile.
Anger at the Shelton Police Department and the 911 responders for thinking I was over reacting when I called them after he had attempted to take his life by overdosing on pills. The police officer told me that if he was "sitting in a corner drooling" then they might think about taking him, not to a hospital, but to jail. Anger at the paramedic that laughed at me when I called the following day and said my son had again tried to take his life. He told me that because I had called the day before and Christian had told them that he was okay and I was just tripping that they were not going to respond to my call.
Anger at DSHS because they refused to allow me to get him any emergency mental counseling until we had completed all their paperwork and then we had to wait for their approval process. Approval that came too late.
Anger at his business partner in New York that defrauded him and embezzled all their money which caused him to lose his job and his home to foreclosure. Anger at his ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend for refusing to allow him to see his beloved son. Anger at his current girlfriend for making his life so miserable with he lies and her physical violence. Anger at her for that final phone call where she pushed him into pulling the trigger and then bragged to others that she had talked him into it and he had killed himself over her.
And anger especially with myself for leaving him and going to visit my mother in another state. Did I really have to leave just then or was I actually trying to escape all his violent outbursts and, yes, his suicide attempts. Anger at myself for thinking to myself "if you're going to do it, just do it". So much guilt over that thought. Did I, in an attempt to save my own sanity, give up on him?
I knew in my heart that someday he would succeed. After all he had tried at least four other times. He was even institutionalized once. But he charmed the counselors into thinking that he had it all together and he didn't receive the help he so desperately needed. He was proud of being "the trickster".
He had received a job offer in Las Vegas and had been looking forward to going and starting over. He was looking forward to a new future. Excited about it. At least he was until he found out that his mentally ill girlfriend had moved there ahead of him and was now telling everyone he was stalking her. He still intended to go but the joy had left him.
So I left and while I was gone he took his life. If I had been here could I have stopped him? I don't think so but now I'll never know for sure. The question is ever present in my mind. Was it my fault? I think now that it isn't that there is no emotion. It is that there is too much emotion. My mind can't process it all so I have become numb. Except for my anger.
So what do I do with all this anger? I'll do what I always do. I'll internalize it. I really should call my grief counselor again. I saw her once and liked her. My Oncologist, Dr. Blitman, arranged three free visits for me. So very kind of him. There are a lot of nice people out there that rally around the first three weeks and then disappear. They, of course, think I'm doing so well because on the surface I smile and laugh. Never crying. A great hostess. I guess I have them all fooled just like Christian fooled so many people. Another "trickster".
TOMORROW: PART TWO
an email sent to a friend
MONDAY: PART THREE
THE FINAL EVENT
The last three days of Christian's life
WEDNESDAY: PART FOUR
The events following his death
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