LOVE LIFTED ME

I thought the day Christian died was the worst day of my life.  I could not have known then that the worst days were to follow.  In the beginning everything is surreal and a cushion of shock protects us from the unbearable.  Eventually that protective cushion dissipates and then the reality of what has happened catches us in its icy grip and we are left trying to understand and live with the pain, anger, and deep, deep sorrow that faces us.  There were days that if I could have willed myself to die, I would have.  We try to find something that can fill the void our loved one has left behind and come to the realization that nothing ever will.  We struggle to find firm footing in our scattered world.  We are left trying to figure out how to survive.  From that time in my own struggle comes this painting, this verse, and this understanding. 

August 2010

Suicide, My Son, My Love, My Child.

Waves of sadness crashed over my head and

I found myself adrift in a sea of grief and denial.

Grief.  How I have grown to hate that word.

Heavy black sludge fills my lungs; I feel I am suffocating

I am so weary of being swallowed up in endless sorrow

I want the dark, grey skies of gloom and pain to end

I long for cool fresh air and the warmth of the sun

I want to be a joyous participant in life, in living.

And then in my darkest moment when I am sure

I can hold on no longer, I look up and see above me

Your Hand extended down.  This gesture, in its simplicity,

Soothes my soul and calms the tempest of the storm.

This simple gesture, so full of love, so full of grace

Tells me without words being spoken that I can be freed

From this ocean of oppressive, crushing quicksand.

All I have to do is reach up and take Your Hand

And Your love will lift me up

And place me on solid ground.