I WENT TO THE OCEAN TODAY - TO THE SEASIDE

It seems very strange that I am sharing my entry about going to the seaside when on this day, January 11, 2011, it's snowing in every state in the Union except Florida.  Seriously, I should be upstairs in bed - I've been so ill; but for some reason decided to drag myself downstairs and type this.  I can only guess it's the lack of oxygen to my brain that's responsible.  So before I pass out, I will begin.  This painting and writing were done five and a half months after Christian's passing.

I WENT TO THE OCEAN TODAY - TO THE SEASIDE

June 7, 2010

I went to the ocean today - to the seaside.  I wanted to feel the sun on my face and the warm sand beneath my feet but when I got there, the sky was overcast and it was cold.  A light fog rolled in making it hard to distinguish between the water and the distant horizon.

I went to the ocean today - to the seaside.  I took off my shoes and gingerly walked into the water - the freezing water.  I wanted to feel the sun on my face, to listen to the laughter of playing children, to see long lines of colorful beach umbrellas and to watch kites carried on the gentle ocean breeze.  I wanted to hear the cries of the sea birds - the seagulls and sandpipers.  I wanted to watch seashells tumble onto the shore.  I wanted to be transported to a different time and to a different place.  A place filled with happy memories of the past.

I went to the ocean today - to the seaside.  The beach was deserted - no children, no laughter.  The cries of the birds were to my ears somehow mournful.  I lifted my face to the sky and instead of feeling the sun on my skin, all I felt was the ocean's salty tears blown in on the wind.  The chill in the air made me shiver and covered my skin with goose bumps.

I went to the ocean today - to the seaside.  I stood in the water - the freezing  water.  I felt the icy waves splash against my legs.  I wanted to hear the power of the ocean - the explosion of water against the shore.  I wanted the ocean to share with me its strength.

I went to the ocean today - to the seaside.  I stood in the water - the freezing water.  I stood waiting.  Waiting for the ocean to make me strong and whole again.  I stood with my face turned upward toward the sky feeling the mist against my skin; and the ebb and flow of the waves as I struggled against the weight of the water.  Waiting. Waiting for some miraculous happening.  Some awakening or epiphany that would suddenly made me wise, brave, and strong.  Something that would give me the ability to overcome my weakness of spirit and soul.

I went to the ocean today - to the seaside.  I stood in the water - the freezing water - my feet growing numb and beginning to ache.  As I stood there blankly staring at the vacant beach, innocent in my stance and unsuspecting, a large wave rushed onto the shore shoving me violently forward.  Then as quickly as it had arrived, it receded taking with it the sand beneath my feet; and I stumbled precariously backward.  The power of ocean had taken with it my firm footing and I felt vulnerable to its uncertainty.

I went to the ocean today - to the seaside.  I stood on the beach and looked out at the ocean's vastness.  I heard its power as the waves crashed on the beach.  I felt its salty tears against my cheeks and tasted its salty mist on my lips.  I silently watched the ebb and flow of the waves.  I felt within my soul the eternity of this great ocean amazed in the knowledge that it has been here since the beginning of time.  The giver of life.  And as I stood there pondering the majesty of these things, I thought, too, about the equally great destructive powers of these waters and the Hand that controls them.

I went to the ocean today - to the seaside.  I took my sadness there.  I had wanted the sunshine, the laughter of the children, and the cries of the seabirds to take it away from me.  I wanted to feel the sun on my face and the warm sand beneath my feet.  I wanted to stand in the cool ocean and bury my toes in the firmest of the ocean floor.  I wanted to go into the cleansing water and come out renewed - somehow healed.  But it was not to be - not today.  Today I found only gloomy skies, chilly temperatures, frigid waters, and raw power.  There was no happiness or joy; no laughter, no sun, no blue skies so I picked up my shoes, brushed the sand from my legs, and went home.  Taking my sadness with me.