THIS IS TAKEN IN PART FROM AN EMAIL SENT TO A FRIEND
January 20, 2010
******THE TIFFANY MENTIONED IN THIS BLOG IS CHRISTIAN'S SISTER, TIFFANY JORGENSEN******
He was upset with me for not contacting him after my phone call telling him Christian had committed suicide. He had waited by the phone and the computer late into the night and all the next day and discovered I was on facebook.
............. You found me on facebook because I needed a distraction at that moment. Some mindless thought. Some thought other than about what had just happened. The phone would not stop ringing. I had to talk to weeping men and women from all over the country and especially from the Seattle area explaining in part what had happened - reliving it each time. The parents of a lot of Christian's friends were calling to say how important Christian had been to their families. All wonderful but so difficult because I had to be strong and comfort them. I was in a position of not being able to grieve because I had to be strong for everyone else. My children and their families, Christian's son, Brandon (age 12), Brandon's mother Rhiannon, step father Mickey, brother Tre', his auntie Asia and uncle Mike, and Christian's friends were all here looking to me for support and strength.
Brandon especially needed all my attention and love. He was hurting terribly and as children do, he was finding reasons to blame himself for his father's passing. I had to be his Nana, his counselor, and his confidant. He was my sweet little shadow. I even had to sleep with him and hold him all night. Not to mention trying to comfort Bobby. He was absolutely devastated and inconsolable. Christian's dad, Bob, was also looking to me for comfort and strength.
Arrangements had to be made with the funeral home; difficult, emotional decisions had to be made as dispassionately as possible. Thankfully my mother had given me a check to cover the funeral expenses before I left her in Nevada. Such a generous act removed what would have been a major problem. Then there was the matter of finding a venue to hold the memorial service. Although my daughters, Rhiannon, and Asia said they would take care of that for me. And while I didn't have to make the phone calls, I was worried about finding a place quickly and that I could afford. I have already written checks for over $3,000.00 and there are still so many more things we have to pay for and I don't know where the money will come from. (Post note: Robyn paid for the venue). Stress upon stress. All must be internalized so no one feels any additional pressure or concern. (But, of course, they did.)
Daughter Tiffany made all the calls to Christian's friends. Something unbelievably hard to do. It most certainly has taken an emotional toll on her. Robyn and Tiffany had to start fielding the phone calls. We were getting 50 to 75 calls a day. Then we had to go through all the family pictures and select the ones of Christian, his children, family, and friends for the slide show Asia was putting together for the memorial.
And while it was fun reliving his childhood stories, it also served to remind me, because of how much joy and laugher he brought to all of us, how very much we were all going to miss him. I am not kidding before all this unhappiness began, that boy could light up a room with his smile. He had a way of telling a story that would make you laugh until you cried- begging for mercy. Additionally, he was the most, THE MOST, polite guy you can ever imagine. He always called older men "sir" and said "yes mam" to older women. He always said "yes please" and "no thank you" (I must have been a tough taskmaster). He was so old fashioned in that way. It would make me smile. And he was so loving and affectionate. Such a cuddler when he was little. He was always hugging me and saying he loved me. Usually just before he pretended he was going to give me a karate kick - missing my face sometimes by just inches. How I am going to miss goofing around with him and all the fun we had.
Little Persephone loved and adored him. He would stop whatever he was doing, kneel down, hug her, and talk to her. She would cry if he left without kissing her good bye. Such happy times.
I now have to think about the food, the drink, and how to organize the memorial. Who is going to do what, the music - will it be live or recorded and if live, who will perform; who is going to give the eulogy, who will be the master speaker - am I going to have to do that; the order of events. How am I going to pay for the flowers, etc. So many, many things to think about and decide.
While I was typing this, I had to stop to comfort a sobbing, distraught Robyn. She and Christian were so close. He had lived with her for a time when she lived in eastern Washington and she had, in a lot of ways, become his confidant. This is as hard on the children as it is on me. Perhaps in some ways even more so.
There are so many things that you don't realize that you're going to have to do, so many people to care for. God gives us the strength to go through the motions but sometimes even He can't help with the flood of emotions. I know that there are people that will disagree with that statement (I know I would have in the past) but that is how I'm feeling right now. Everyone is saying how strong I am but I'm not. I'm numb. At some point that numbness is going to wear off. That scares me.
Resources are limited in this tiny part of the world but I am going to go to grief counseling and hopefully join a suicide support group when this is all over and I'll try to get Patrick to go too. But I know I'll get all those "man excuses". At this point we are giving him all the love and support we can. He has softened and is responding to the outpouring of love and respect. I told him he was my hero. He will have to deal with his own demons. He will have to come to terms with his own bad behavior toward Christian. I had told him over and over that Christian as mentally fragile but he just could not keep his mouth shut. He had to yell and scream and be ugly. It's like an uncontrollable compulsion with him. I will not ever say anything to him about that. He knows. I will not add to his sense of blame and guilt. What would be the point of hurting him further when he did his best to defuse the situation. It took great courage for him to do the things he did that day. It showed how deep his feelings for Christian really were. His actions were not the only reason Christian took his life. There were greater things at play. Christian was a tortured soul at the end.
Brandon especially needed all my attention and love. He was hurting terribly and as children do, he was finding reasons to blame himself for his father's passing. I had to be his Nana, his counselor, and his confidant. He was my sweet little shadow. I even had to sleep with him and hold him all night. Not to mention trying to comfort Bobby. He was absolutely devastated and inconsolable. Christian's dad, Bob, was also looking to me for comfort and strength.
 |
| Brandon and his Nana at the Memorial Service |
Arrangements had to be made with the funeral home; difficult, emotional decisions had to be made as dispassionately as possible. Thankfully my mother had given me a check to cover the funeral expenses before I left her in Nevada. Such a generous act removed what would have been a major problem. Then there was the matter of finding a venue to hold the memorial service. Although my daughters, Rhiannon, and Asia said they would take care of that for me. And while I didn't have to make the phone calls, I was worried about finding a place quickly and that I could afford. I have already written checks for over $3,000.00 and there are still so many more things we have to pay for and I don't know where the money will come from. (Post note: Robyn paid for the venue). Stress upon stress. All must be internalized so no one feels any additional pressure or concern. (But, of course, they did.)
Daughter Tiffany made all the calls to Christian's friends. Something unbelievably hard to do. It most certainly has taken an emotional toll on her. Robyn and Tiffany had to start fielding the phone calls. We were getting 50 to 75 calls a day. Then we had to go through all the family pictures and select the ones of Christian, his children, family, and friends for the slide show Asia was putting together for the memorial.
And while it was fun reliving his childhood stories, it also served to remind me, because of how much joy and laugher he brought to all of us, how very much we were all going to miss him. I am not kidding before all this unhappiness began, that boy could light up a room with his smile. He had a way of telling a story that would make you laugh until you cried- begging for mercy. Additionally, he was the most, THE MOST, polite guy you can ever imagine. He always called older men "sir" and said "yes mam" to older women. He always said "yes please" and "no thank you" (I must have been a tough taskmaster). He was so old fashioned in that way. It would make me smile. And he was so loving and affectionate. Such a cuddler when he was little. He was always hugging me and saying he loved me. Usually just before he pretended he was going to give me a karate kick - missing my face sometimes by just inches. How I am going to miss goofing around with him and all the fun we had.
Little Persephone loved and adored him. He would stop whatever he was doing, kneel down, hug her, and talk to her. She would cry if he left without kissing her good bye. Such happy times.
 |
| Persephone |
I now have to think about the food, the drink, and how to organize the memorial. Who is going to do what, the music - will it be live or recorded and if live, who will perform; who is going to give the eulogy, who will be the master speaker - am I going to have to do that; the order of events. How am I going to pay for the flowers, etc. So many, many things to think about and decide.
While I was typing this, I had to stop to comfort a sobbing, distraught Robyn. She and Christian were so close. He had lived with her for a time when she lived in eastern Washington and she had, in a lot of ways, become his confidant. This is as hard on the children as it is on me. Perhaps in some ways even more so.
 |
| Robyn and Christian |
There are so many things that you don't realize that you're going to have to do, so many people to care for. God gives us the strength to go through the motions but sometimes even He can't help with the flood of emotions. I know that there are people that will disagree with that statement (I know I would have in the past) but that is how I'm feeling right now. Everyone is saying how strong I am but I'm not. I'm numb. At some point that numbness is going to wear off. That scares me.
Resources are limited in this tiny part of the world but I am going to go to grief counseling and hopefully join a suicide support group when this is all over and I'll try to get Patrick to go too. But I know I'll get all those "man excuses". At this point we are giving him all the love and support we can. He has softened and is responding to the outpouring of love and respect. I told him he was my hero. He will have to deal with his own demons. He will have to come to terms with his own bad behavior toward Christian. I had told him over and over that Christian as mentally fragile but he just could not keep his mouth shut. He had to yell and scream and be ugly. It's like an uncontrollable compulsion with him. I will not ever say anything to him about that. He knows. I will not add to his sense of blame and guilt. What would be the point of hurting him further when he did his best to defuse the situation. It took great courage for him to do the things he did that day. It showed how deep his feelings for Christian really were. His actions were not the only reason Christian took his life. There were greater things at play. Christian was a tortured soul at the end.
NEXT BLOG: THE FINAL EVENTS
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