It was a warm fall evening. Soon the sun would be setting and would light up the evening sky with vibrant colors before disappearing behind the rolling Nevada hills. My mother and I were just beginning to open her sliding glass door so we could step out onto her back patio to enjoy the lights of Las Vegas and the setting sun. We heard the loud chirps of a bird obviously in distress followed by a loud thud against her living room window. As we stepped out, we saw a flurry of small downy feathers settling all over her patio and a hawk landing in her neighbor's yard. While we didn't see the victim, we suspect it was one of the many quails that visited her backyard and roosted in her neighbor's tree.
Understanding the balance of nature means an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings. In our human experience the acceptance of what life brings is far more complicated. During those times when we are wildly and acutely miserable and racked with sorrow, acceptance seems far away if not altogether impossible. But they say acceptance is an important step in the grieving process. I bounce in and out of acceptance. I know Christian isn't coming back but I'm having a difficult time letting him go. Sometimes I wonder if I'm keeping him earthbound by not releasing him. Death and the transition from one plane to another is such a mystery to me.
This I do believe: out of every situation, even one as devastating as the loss of a loved one (especially a child) to suicide, we must at some time in our struggle to go on living, make some positive choices if we intend to live a meaningful life. For us the statement "there is life after death" takes on a whole new meaning. How do we go on living after such a loss?
Frederick F. Flack wrote: "Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives."
Writing this blog has given me purpose and helped me find my way through the grieving process because it has forced me to evaluate and define the emotions that wash over and threaten to drown me. By necessity I must then put these emotions into words. Never easy but necessary if I am to connect with myself and others. Although at times, as Martin Luther King, Jr., said, "Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart."
Tragic loss reduces us to the baseline of our existence. Everything emotionally has been striped away and left us bare. The only things we can feel are hurt and pain. We are left with this incredible empty hole in our heart and in our soul and in our lives. At first we are numb, unable to do anything but breath. Eventually overwhelming feelings of grief and sorrow bombard our every sense. Even breathing becomes hard. As the days, weeks, months, and even years pass we discover that we can and will survive. What then to do with the rest of our lives? "You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering." -Henri-Frederic Amiel. When I first read this quote, I had to stop and think about what it meant.
This is what I decided: from suffering we are able to really understand the human condition. We are able to sympathize and have empathy is a way that previously we couldn't. We have gone through the worst pain and suffering we have ever known. Don't we now have a responsibility to help others in a way that only we can? We can share our experiences and our knowledge with the newly and not so newly affected. We can hold their hands, hold them up, and give them a place to entrust their "real, raw" emotions and thoughts. We will give tender hearts all the time and love they need and will never abandon a fellow traveler. We will travel this road together, side by side. Through our own loss we have learned to respect the fragility and importance of each individual life. Each person, each life so dear, so precious.
This is what I decided: from suffering we are able to really understand the human condition. We are able to sympathize and have empathy is a way that previously we couldn't. We have gone through the worst pain and suffering we have ever known. Don't we now have a responsibility to help others in a way that only we can? We can share our experiences and our knowledge with the newly and not so newly affected. We can hold their hands, hold them up, and give them a place to entrust their "real, raw" emotions and thoughts. We will give tender hearts all the time and love they need and will never abandon a fellow traveler. We will travel this road together, side by side. Through our own loss we have learned to respect the fragility and importance of each individual life. Each person, each life so dear, so precious.
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