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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas In Heaven





CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
Music by Jeremy Johnson and Paul Marino
Sung by Sarah Schieber


December hasn't changed
This town looks the same
They still light that tree in the city square
There is red, white, and green shining every where
And I wish you were here.


And I wonder ...
Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold?
Are the mansions all covered in white?
Are you singing with the angels Silent Night?
I wonder ....
What Christmas in Heaven is like.


There's a little manger scene
Down on Third and Main
I must have walked by it a thousand times
But I see it now in a different light
Cause I know that you are there
And I wonder ...


Are you kneeling with shepherds before him now
Can you reach out and touch His face
Are you part of that glorious Holy night?
I wonder ...
What Christmas in Heaven is like.


Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold?
Are the mansions all covered in White?
Are you signing with angels Silent Night?
Oh, I wonder ...
What Christmas in Heaven is like.



Christmas day was spent in celebration with my precious family.  The only one missing was our darling Robyn and her man Mike.  And, of course, our Christian who is missed, always loved, and is spending his first Christmas in Heaven.  I have watched this video many times and cried each time.  I could not let the year end without posting it.


Merry belated Christmas to all.  I wish you all the richest blessings in the New Year; and send to you the hope that peace and happiness be with you each day.

Linda


 My Christmas Angel




Mothers, Fathers, Sisters, Brothers, Cousins,  Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents
Gifts, Love, and Hugs




Thursday, December 23, 2010

OUTSIDE MY WINDOW



Outside my window the world is bright and beautiful.
Always in perpetual motion.


I lived there once.



Walking its streets, enjoying the sounds of people talking, children laughing, horns honking, traffic lights, buses, cabs, bookstores, art galleries, museums, the theatre, the ballet, the smell of coffee drifting out the doors of coffee shops, outdoor cafes, window shopping, bright orderly stores with rows and rows of tempting new merchandise.  Tall old apartment buildings with beautiful architecture.  New condominiums with balconies holding pots of colorful flowers.  Beautiful women, well-dressed men.  Feeling alive.  Exhilarated by the excitement and the movement of the city.



Outside my window the world is bright and beautiful.
Always in perpetual motion.



I lived there once.



In the quiet of the country, birds singing, squirrels scolding, fresh clean air, snowy mountains peeking above tall pines, clear lakes, colorful sailboats, stars bright in the night sky, moonlight illuminates the yard and shines in my bedroom window, tree frogs singing their nightly songs.  Nature all around.  Flower beds.  Gardens.  Porch swing.  Life is slow. Shopping is miles and miles away.  There is time to breath in deep and reflect.  There is time and space to create.



Once upon a time life was exciting.  New things to discover, places to explore.  Adventure a thought away.  But then in one short, quick moment my world imploded.  I heard the words and everything changed.  Everything came to a crashing halt.  You were gone.



Outside my window the world is bright and beautiful.
Always in perpetual motion.



But I don't live there any more.


Monday, December 20, 2010

TODAY IS NOT EASY

TODAY IS NOT EASY
December 18, 2010




I hardly know where to begin
Here it is Christmas time
The first since you left us
My heart is broken
There is no tree, no lights
No holiday cheer
No presents, no ribbons
No bows
Our house is barren.


Today is not easy.


Outside the world is beautiful
I do enjoy all the music
The decorated houses
The friendly smiles
The hustle and bustle
I so wish you were here
To enjoy it with me
Like we did every year.


Today is not easy.


Outside everything is
Red and green and frosty white
Inside I am wrapped in a cocoon without color
Black and gray
I am isolated and alone
Even when I am surrounded by people
I am isolated and alone.


Today is not easy.

But I am safe in my colorless world
You said you would always be watching over me
I believe you; and I know that you are holding me
Protecting me
And as long as I know and believe that
Perhaps I won't fall and some day
I'll break free and emerge
a stronger, better person
Some day.  Maybe.


Today is not easy.


They say if you assist a butterfly is emerging
From it's cocoon, it will die
It's wings will never be strong enough so it can fly
Is that also true of humans?
If I struggle and push and pull and finally break free,
Will those I love be there with loving kindness
When I emerge?
Who besides you even knows that I am lost?
Does anyone know that I am missing?


Today is not easy.


If I had gotten my wings sooner,
I would have wrapped them around 
Those I love and kept them safe
And protected them
From the harsh reality of life and death.
But I didn't and I couldn't.


I think I will stay here a little longer.
Life is just too hard to live right now.


Today is not easy.





Saturday, December 18, 2010

SOME DAY

Written:  May 20, 2010


SOME DAY


When Christian took his life, I fell into a deep, dark depression.  I still struggle with leaving the house or finding the energy to do anything.  Even though I try to be upbeat for my family, inside all I feel is emptiness, sadness, loneliness, guilt, and depression.


I know things will eventually get better.  I will never get over losing my beloved child but some day I hope I will be able to go a day without feeling intensely sad.  From that hope comes this drawing and poem.




And I shall pull myself from the darkness of
that black void called depression and despair.
And like those first indescribable life forms
I shall rise up, evolve, and grow in strength
Until I can at last stand tall and walk again
In the bright world of the children of man.
And to them I shall say "I survived!"


Monday, December 13, 2010

Birthday Party for Christian DECEMBER 9. 2010






NEVER BE FORGOTTEN
Artist:  Jessica Andrews


I'll always see your face
The corner of your smile
And all the little things that no one will ever know
Like it was yesterday, won't ever fade away
Goodbye is just a word that I will never say


You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You're more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten


I can't hold your hand
Or look into your eyes
And when I talk to you
It just echoes in my mind
But if hearts are made of dust
And if we fell from the stars
I look up tonight and know just where you are


You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You're more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten


And the world just keeps on going
It has no way of knowing
That you're gone


You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You're more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten.



DECEMBER 9, 1977


DECEMBER 9, 2010

Christian would have been 33 years old


December 9th fell on a Thursday.  With work and school, a party is usually not held on a week night.  There had even been conversation about maybe waiting and doing the party on the weekend.  But when it came right down to it, we all knew the party to celebrate Christian's birthday had to be on December 9th.  Especially this birthday.  The first birthday after his passing.


We had dinner together - a must in this family; reminisced,  cried, looked at pictures, and sang "happy birthday".  Rhiannon suggested that we make it a tradition to send a balloon aloft each year on Christian's birthday with messages of love and birthday greetings attached.  We had done something very similar at Christian's Memorial Service.  The rest of us thought it was a great idea so off to the store went Bobby and Rhiannon.  Beacon Hill is an interesting place - very diverse but maybe not so big on birthdays because they only had one helium balloon.  And the man was reluctant to sell it.  But Rhiannon used her beauty and charm to change his mind.


So they return with their treasure.  A red balloon showing a cute little teddy bear with out stretched arms.  It made us all laugh.  It was just so cute and so much NOT Christian.  It had started to pour down rain and the wind was really, really blowing.  We gathered on Tiffany and Matt's front porch.  We all held on to the ribbon and released it together.  The wind caught the balloon and it screamed away so fast we couldn't even see it but for a second.  Someone said "That balloon knows exactly where to go .... straight to heaven."  That made Persephone erupt into giggles.  Which in turn made the rest of us laugh.


It was a great evening but lasted way past everyone's bedtime.  Tiffany finally threw us all out so they could go to bed.  Bobby and I drove Rhiannon and the boys home and then drove back to West Seattle to catch the ferry.  I think we got home around 3 a.m.  But it was a wonderful, memorable evening.


When Christian was 7 or 8 years old, he wrote a paper in class that went like this:


"I think we should have a holiday every year to celebrate me.  We would wear clothes and eat cake.  It would be on December 9th every year."



THIS ONE WAS ALL YOURS BABY!



Rhiannon, Brandon, Tiffany in back; Tre' and Persephone

Back row:  Linda, Stephanie, Tiffany, and Matt
Front Row:  Tre', Brandon, Persephone, and Bobby


Matt, Tiffany, and Persephone



Stephanie

Tre'
Persephone writes a note to Uncle Christian:
Dear Uncle Christian, I am happy it is your birthday.  We had a great time.  Love, Persephone

Dear Bro,  We all miss you dearly and I loved you with all my heart.  You were the corner stone to this family.  The house isn't as strong without you.  Your loving Brother, Bobby

Tiffany and Rhiannon - a loving embrace
Tiffany attaches the notes

Tiffany reads the notes

Brandon.  We all hold the balloon ribbon before releasing it into the heavens.


Christian would have been 33 years old but he was and always will be my baby.




Thursday, December 9, 2010

FOREVER YOUNG - HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY




Christian must have been either fourteen or fifteen --- and of the age when I would have liked to stay in bed with the covers over my head until it was over.  He was a child trying hard to be a man.  He ran headlong into life in his zest for independence and freedom; and along the way he fell down - hard.  It was decided that he would go live with his sister, Robyn, for a while on the other side of the mountains for an extended period of time.  My heart was torn - wanting him to stay home and knowing that he had to go.


It was the end of August and I was sad thinking about all the holidays that he would not be spending at home - including his birthday.  So I came up with a plan to make all the holidays happen at once.  While he was out, I put up the Christmas tree; put balloons and streamers and a birthday cake in the dining room; halloween and thanksgiving decorations made the living room festive with pumpkins and skeletons and a horn of plenty; in the front yard a large cutout of a turkey was stuck into the ground; and a turkey baked in the oven.  Then I waited.


I heard the front door open and Christian called out to me "Mom! What is a cardboard turkey doing in the front yard?"  I rushed into the living room to see his reaction.  He just stood there not saying a word but with wonderment on his face.  He came to me and gave me the tightest, longest hug.  When I looked at him, he had tears in his eyes.  He quickly turned away from me and started laughing as he took it all in.  I was happily pronounced "insane".  It was one of the best "holidays" we ever had together.


Until today I had almost forgotten that memory.  I had gone into my trunk of motherly memories and found it here.  I pulled it out, shook off the cobwebs, and enjoyed it all over again.  I remembered his laugher, his hug, and his joy.  I sat down and surrendered myself to the memory and emerged with a heart full of love for family and all the good times we've shared.


I left the Christmas tree up from August through December.  People would come in and look at it but rarely did they ever say anything.  I always wondered what they were thinking but their silence always made me chuckle.


Today, December 9th, is Christian's birthday.  He would have been 33.  His birthdays will come and go but he will remain FOREVER YOUNG.



FOREVER YOUNG
Bob Dylan


May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.


May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.


May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.



Sunday, December 5, 2010

MOTHER'S DAY 2010

MOTHER'S DAY


THE FIRST MOTHER'S DAY AFTER THE LOSS OF A CHILD IS THE WORST!!!  A week prior to Mother's Day a friend stopped by and as she was about to get into her car, she called out over her shoulder "Happy Mother's Day early".  I had no idea that such a simple sentence could affect me so deeply.  I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach.  There are no words to describe the pain.  It was an actual physical pain.


So being left without words, I have only a poem sent to me by a fellow traveler, Sherie Westlund, and my watercolors.





A Mother's Gift From God


Lord today is Mother's Day

but my heart is split in two

Half of my heart is still here,

the other with my child that is there with you.

All the lovely presents are a nice surprise

But the only thing I want most is missing,

and tears fill my eyes.

I know when you sent him Lord,

You didn't promise how long he would stay

All you said was to love him

and treasure each and every day.

But Lord it crushed my heart,

when you called for his return.

I really feel like half a Mom,

as I ache, weep, and yearn.

But Lord, tell him I love him

just as much as I did before.

And could you please make a window

so he can see through heaven's floor;

Let him see that he is missed

and thought of, with each breath.

And that a Mother's love begins before life,

and does not end with death.

So on this Mother's Day,

The greatest Gift

"I Give To You"...

For Lord I know you missed him,

and you love him too.


...author unknown...


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

COMING UNRAVELED AND FALLING APART

It was early May.  The telephone calls had stopped, no one stopped by to visit (except the Jehovah's Witness on their neighborhood rounds), and I was feeling isolated and alone.  I could find no joy in the things that had previously crowded and filled my days and no desire to do them.


My husband, dealing with his own issues, found it too painful to discuss what had happened or what either of us were feeling.  Soon after Christian's death, he and I had reached a turning point in our relationship; and because of it the absolute rage I had felt toward him was gone.   He had acknowledged to me that he understood the part he had played in Christian's death.  For me this showed a depth of sorrow and regret that only a very humble, loving man could show.  Had he reacted defensively our relationship would have ended then and there.  And in that moment, as tears flowed down his face, I fell in love with him all over again and loved him more than I ever had.  It enabled me to feel compassion for what he was feeling and for what he was trying to work through.


Initially I tried to erase or ignore my grief by drawing and painting picture after picture after picture.  These are just a very few.


But no amount of artwork could fill the empty place in my heart. I began to sit on the porch swing on my back deck and relive the events that lead up to January 18th.  I remembered all of Christian's suicide attempts that were not successful.  The time when Bobby and I went searching for him fearing the worst after finding pools and pools of blood all over his porch, the kitchen floor, the countertops, and a bloody knife in the sink. The time we  physically had to fight him to the ground to prevent him from swallowing more pills; and  me telling Bobby to break his wrist if he had to.  Bobby and Ashley resuscitating  him after he had stockpiled heroin and tried to kill himself by overdosing.  Remembering the day I spent hours searching through all his possessions trying to find the gun I knew he had hidden; and upon finding it, then trying to find a place to hide it that I didn't think he'd ever look.  Hiding all the prescription medication in the house that might be lethal.


Hearing him tell me that he promised that he'd never kill himself in my house - that he'd go off into the woods to do it.  Then when I'd come home and he wasn't here I'd frantically begin searching the house to see if he had left a note.  And all the times when he'd turn his rage on me because I couldn't change, or in his mind, won't do anything to change all the things that were causing him pain.  Listening to him rage about his brother and Ashley for any number of reasons (real or imaginary); and all the other people in his life that he perceived had betrayed him in one way or another.


His behavior was becoming more and more irradiate; and he was becoming increasingly more irritable and agitated.  He was taking risks and striking out in ways he never would have before.  He vacillated between sorrow for his actions against his ex-girlfriend  and rage at being a victim of her and her new boyfriend.  And me trying to keep it all together.  Always holding my emotions under control.  Trying to be the calming force in his life.  Trying without success to get him to make an appointment to see a mental health counselor or readmit himself into a mental health facility.  Feeling helpless because of my inability to have him involuntarily committed.  My inability to get anyone to listen to me - to understand the urgency of his situation.


It was taking a huge emotional toll on me.  I feared that I would be the one having a nervous break down.  His anger was becoming more and more intense with each day.  So I left him and went to my mother's house in Nevada.  I abandoned him to save myself.  I had even thought "If you're going to do it, just do it.  I can't take anymore."  Every day had become a battle. Whatever emotional strength I had was gone.  I had moved into survival mode.


So I sat on my back porch on my porch swing day after day watching the birds and remembering all these things and feeling guilty for leaving and especially for my thoughts.  And I sunk deeper and deeper into depression.  My friend - my best friend - decided for whatever reason that he didn't want to communicate with me any longer and without explanation broke off all contact four months after Christian's death.  I can't really blame him.  I never told him what was happening at home with Christian and there were times that I struck out at him just because I needed to strike out at someone, anyone except Christian.  He had been my go-to-guy and now he was gone too.


Then my exhusband, who I had remained very close to, died of a heart attack on approximately April 6th or 7th.  We don't know for sure because he was alone in his apartment at the time of his death.  He was in poor health.  He had had two previous heart attacks; had one kidney removed and was on kidney dialyze.  Bobby, our son, drove him to his appointments at the VA hospital.  When he stopped answering his phone and didn't come to the door, we had the police do a wellness check and they discovered that he had died.  We had spoken either on the day of his death or the day before.  I had ask him how he was feeling.  He said not good but okay.  At the end of our conversation we said "I love you" as was our custom.  Now I found myself making arrangements with the funeral home for another departed love one.  The children and I were the only family that he maintained contact with.  It was too much for tender hearts still suffering.


I felt as though my life had come completely unraveled and I was broken beyond repair.   These images are not as light hearted as they appear at first glance.


I was beginning to feel suicidal.  Extremely suicidal.  My despair was so intense, my sadness so overwhelming, my guilt so great.  Had it not been the tears of my daughter and her pleading voice over the phone I might have gone through with it.  Without saying it, she made me realize how much the children had already gone through.  This mother would not do that to her children.  Although it happens every day, it would not happen to this family on this day.  When in that deep, dark place, I was not thinking about my family.  I was only thinking about a way to find some peace in my chaotic life and stop my memories and my pain.


I had to take myself out of that mental place.  I just had to.  And so I did but not without great and conscious effort and some anti-depressants, anxiety medication, and a doctor's help.  And with the support of wonderful people I came into contact with through some online survivors of suicide support groups.


I am so thankful for those other survivors that were there for me.  I just hope that in some small way I can do for someone else what they did for me.  And continue to do for me.  Almost every day someone reaches out to me.  How blessed I am.





I suddenly just realized another thing that I have been blessed with.  I don't know why it didn't occur to me sooner.   I had the opportunity to say "I love you" to both Christian and Bob shortly before they left me.  What an amazing gift!   I have friends that are nonbelievers but when things like this happen, how can the existence of a loving Heavenly Father be denied......  "Praise God from whom all blessings flow."