I AM A JEWEL, MULTI-FACETED AND COMPLEX

I am a jewel. Formed by nature, cut by life. Once each facet that was touched by the sun glittered.  Such fire, such beauty. 

 I am a jewel.  Each facet filled with a part of me.  Not perfect.  Filled with inclusions and flaws.  Life's tragedies scratched them in with its cutting blade and chipped away what once was me.  I will never be perfect.  I am full of imperfections.  Struggling.

Death of a child. The first year, numbness.  The second year reality begins to settle in and hope that it's all been a bad dream fades away.  The third is the lonely year when others expect you to be well; but you aren't and depression takes over your lonely, empty life.  

With the fourth year comes the questions.  Why do I still feel so void of life?  Why don't I have any energy?  Why aren't I getting better? stronger?  With that comes the self incrimination. I have so much to be joyful about and still I'm not.  What is wrong with me? I hate myself. I hate who I've become.  

I am a mother without her child.  And all I want is him back.  All I want is to hear his voice, his laughter once again.  To feel his hug, the warmth of his body.  To feel his kiss upon my cheek.  I know I never will.  Not in this life anyway.  Why can't I wrap my head around the reality of the situation and just accept it? 

But as hard as it is, the first four years are surrounded by and filled with hope.

HOPE - what a big, big word.  Hope for what?  That the pain will go away? That I can begin to live a full, joyful life again? Hope that I can get out of bed in morning without  experiencing that gab of pain that tells me my child is gone - forever. Hope that I will survive the unsurvivable?   There are times when hope is all we, as survivors, have to hold on to.

As the end of the fourth year rapidly approaches, I have given up on hope.  Hope is like the wind in a storm.  It blows past me with lightening fast speed.  I can't grab it; and even if I could, I would not be able to hold on to it.  It is like an enemy that throws me off balance and knocks me around.  HOPE I give up on you.  

If some day you find your way into my life, I will embrace you and be thankful that you've found me. But for now you are useless to me.  I waited for you, based my strength and my future on you.  I filled multiple facets of my life with you.  But somewhere along the way, you leaked through fractures in the inclusions and escaped. Fine! go away.  Fill someone else's life with false hope, false dreams.  Promise someone else that their life will some day be filled with glitter, sunshine, laughter, and joy.

I am a complex, multi-faceted jewel.  I search for and learn new things.  I try to fill each facet with new skills, new exciting gifts.  I try to be brightly colored.  I look for joy in this new knowledge.  I try to be thankful that God has blessed me with the ability to learn new things.  

So why with all these things that I have been blessed with do I still feel so dull, lifeless, colorless, and devoid of any inner glow?  I lie in the darkness. Hidden from life's bright rays; void of light, clarity, and sparkle.

Are things really as bad as they feel?  Or am I just having a really, really bad day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.