INTROSPECTION, a journey into the mind and soul

The third year begins, a third journal also begins, and I've got to do something differently than I've been doing. My first journal, a journey, Death by Suicide, a Mother's Story, was about the beginning of my grief journey and dealt with all the raw emotions of that first year. The second journal, Cosmic Journey, was suppose to address finding my place in the world again and, therefore, my place in the universe.

Over the second year, however, I realized that I must rediscover who I am before I can progress any further. And to do that, I must travel inward and journey into the deep recesses of my mind and soul. For that reason, I have named my third journal Introspection, a journey into the mind and soul.

I suppose I have been doing that over the past two years - trying to figure out how to go on without my son and without anything that resembles a real life. I still feel so empty inside.

I have given up all the things that once brought excitement into my life. The end of the second year has been especially hard. A friend told me that the second year is the lonely year. I think she is absolutely correct. It is the lonely year. I have stopped going anywhere; stopped seeing the few friends I have left; make up excuses not to visit family; have given up learning new, creative things; have stopped doing almost anything that is creative.

Thank goodness I have had my artwork to fulfill my artistic need and my journal/blog to keep my mind active. Those are the two things that have prevented me from turning into jiggling, quivering jello stuck to a tree. (My friend Tom said that.)

I know that a great deal of my emptiness is due to the fact that our little grandson went to live with my daughter, Stephanie, and her husband, Ken. Child Protective Services didn't think my health was good enough to take care of a baby full time. They are right, of course, but it was terrible having him leave us. We still get him on the weekends and for that I am so thankful. He truly is the joy and delight in both his Papa's and his Nana's life.

I told myself that I must begin living again. So I am going to try. Tiny steps at a time. Baby Christian's first birthday is January 27th - five days away. I have some fabric and I'm going to make him some overalls and a matching jacket. I will appliqué it and maybe add embroidered covered buttons. And if I get really ambitious and have time, I'll make some coordinating shoes. I still have some leather from my last shoe-making project.

What does this have to do with "traveling inward"? Quite a lot actually because I am really needing to do some strong self-talking to motivate myself to do this. You see, I'd much rather just do nothing. Especially nothing at all about trying to move forward. Some days I prefer to sit and not even move or go to bed and sleep. I feel like I'm in a stalemate and can't move. Not forward, not sideways, not even backward. But doing nothing is a waste of a perfectly good life so I'm going to try to try.