The End of Chapter Two

The Second Anniversary of Christian's passing. Our world is all white with muted shades of green. We are snowed in so there was no visiting Christian's Memorial Site with armfuls of flowers and white balloons.

This forced confinement was a good thing. Instead of a day filled with anxiety and great sadness, it was a day of peaceful calm and reflection. It was not without its anxious moments. Looking at the clock and thinking back and remembering those horror filled hours of that last morning. I watched the clock tick down until it finally reached 10:32 am. That is the time the coroner pronounced him gone from this world. Thus began his journey into a new beginning.

Today I remembered what a fun loving boy he was - both in his youth and in his adult years. How he filled our hearts with joy. Joy in his accomplishments. Joy in the birth of his two boys. Joy in the way he made us all- family and friends - laugh. Joy in the way he complimented and completed the family. Joy in how much he was loved. Joy in how he reached out and helped others. Joy in how he remembered those little things that mean so much.

I thought about his teenage escapades and worrying myself sick when he didn't come home when he was suppose to. My mind would go wild with imaginary situations. Then I'd get mad and think to myself "if he isn't dead, I'm going to kill him myself when he gets home". Then throwing my arms around him and kissing him before having a screaming fit when he finally arrived home.

Then there were the times I had to rescue him from situations he really did get himself and his friends into. He was a leader so most of the time it was his idea and his blame. Although I don't think it took much effort to get Matt, Carson, Mike, Jared, Justin, Robert or John to go along with him.

I smile at the time he was the only boy invited to an all girl birthday party. He was both embarrassed and pleased as punch with himself. I remember when he came on the Seattle scene producing Raves with his business partners. They put on a show like no one else. All top name entertainers and show goers from as far away as Australia and England. Those were the glory days.

I thought about how absolutely thrilled he was on the day his two boys were born. He and Rhiannon were both so young when Brandon was born; but they loved him so much and he brought so much happiness into their lives. Then a few years later he and Kristen were blessed with the birth of Benton. What a little charmer he was. He stole his daddy's heart away.

He was father that truly loved his sons. It saddens me and that they will have to grow up without him by their side. Brandon is a teenager now and really misses his Dad and being able to share with him his accomplishments and his trials. It's lonely for a boy without his father.

I thought also about this journey I've been on and where it has taken me. I have been so blessed that I didn't have to make this journey alone. I have met so many online friends in my grief support groups. Women and men that I am so proud to be able to call dear friends. We have shared our grief, our stories, our love, and our support.

These are brothers and sisters in grief that have lost soul mates, children, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, friends, and tiny babies. (How my heart aches for those mothers and fathers that have lost those sweet, precious little babies.) Their separation from life has come in many forms. It is journey that I wish none of us were on but since we are I can think of no better traveling companions.

I sat quietly and read through my two journals. The first, a Journey, was written the first year after Christian's death by suicide and is filled with raw emotion and painful memories. The second, Cosmic Journey, was written this last year. This is the final entry in that journal. I can see that as the year progressed, I progressed as well. The wound is beginning to heal.

So tonight when I lit a candle to honor the memory of my son, I also lit it in memory of all those loved ones that have gone before and after my son. All those angels that stand today with my Christian as he celebrates his second year in Heaven. It also burned brightly for those left behind and who struggle with their grief. I lit it for everyone who has touched my heart with their kindness.

I wrote a simple poem for Christian and would like to share it with you.

Our Love is Carried on Butterflies' Wings

Our love is carried to you on butterflies' wings
In swirls of color aqua, yellow, blue, and green.
This love we send from our hearts to yours
And when it's our time
We know you'll be waiting on Heaven's shore
To welcome us home and back into your arms once more.

Good night dear friends.