PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER AGAIN

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Remember that little phrase from your youth? A favorite of parents and teachers alike. In the past two plus years I must have said those words to myself a hundred times. It seems the harder I try the less likely I am to succeed. I try and try and try to put the pieces of my life back together again with no luck.

I move ahead and then fall back. I've moved forward and fallen backward so many times I've worn a hole in my mental floor covering. And I am so tired. So tired of succeeding and then failing over and over and over again. Grief does that. Just when you begin to skip happily along, Grief reaches his boney hand out and throws you down. With cuts and bruises, you have to decide if you're going to continue lying there or if you're going to pull yourself up and keep going. (Many a time I've just wanted to lay there, not moving.)

Not only am I failing at pulling myself together, I seem to be falling a part. Not so long ago I was quite good at putting things back as soon as I was done with them. Today I walked into my art studio and it was a mess! Things were here, there, and every where. My studio doubles as a guest room and I have things all over the bed and stacked on my two desks. That isn't me. I hate chaos! and I hate searching for things!

Of course, I know how it happened. The way it happens for a lot of us. I pull something out and then I'm too exhausted mentally and physically to deal with it. The all too familiar "I'm too tired to do it now. I'll do it later" happened with more and more frequency. But it is true. I've been so, so tired. I didn't want to journal and without words, I had no creative mental images for my artwork.

So after much thought this is what I decided. I find that I am so use to multi-tasking that in trying to create myself anew I try to do too much and overwhelm myself and therefore make no progress. As a result I decided to restructure how I think about myself.

In my new vision I see myself as a large puzzle. Right now all the pieces are separated and stilling lying in the unopened box. It is my job to open the box and take out one piece at a time. I will identify it and then examine, study, scrutinize, analyze, and investigate that one piece of the puzzle until I fully understand that part of myself and determine its value in my life.

The first piece I took out of my big red box of puzzle pieces is (drum roll please) ART.

I selected art for several reasons. First and foremost is because it is my substitute for anxiety medications. When I'm feeling anxious and desperate, I can lose myself in pencils, paper, and paint. When I move into the world of glitter, I know that I'm really depressed and in need of a major hit of joy. Glitter is so cheerful. I don't use it very often but it's a happy art form. That is the beauty of art. It can be serious or fun. And it has been my release valve since Christian died. No matter what form it takes, it is an expression of my true self at that precise moment.

I have taken my first puzzle piece, named it "art", and laid it down in front of me. I've given myself time to reflect on how "art" has helped me through the really, really tough times in the past two years. I've thought about how it has kept me grounded. I know that it will always be an important part of who I am. I will never be a great artist but it satisfies some primal need seated deep inside of my soul. When I am alone and lonely, I will always have my art to fill that empty place.

So in exploring my love of the creative, I've tried a few different things. These are examples of my latest "just for fun" art projects.

GALLERY: