I HAVE BEEN WONDERING

written October 5, 2010

I'VE HAVE BEEN WONDERING.......

why of late I have ventured into this world of whimsey.  It seems out of place in this journal or even in my life.  Then it dawned on me.  At this time, right now, the grief is so great that there are no words, no pictures that could possibly begin to describe it.

My mind, in an attempt at protecting me from myself, has refused to let me go into a dangerous place.  The pain is so great that I cannot live with it.  To open myself up to it might lead to a complete break down.  I have not yet allowed myself to fully grieve over Christian's death.  I have felt terrible sorrow, depression, emptiness but the full impact of losing him has not hit me yet.  I loved him so much and was so close to him.  I have wondered many times why I don't seem to grieve like other mothers.  Why I am not totally devastated.  Why they take to their beds unable to function from their grief and I do not.  Why I do not cry.   I mean really, really cry.

I felt it today beginning to creep in, breaking down this barrier against my emotions that I have erected.  I was at the insurance agent's office reinstating the insurance on my Honda.  The agent was rewriting the policy and came to the part about the exclusion on Christian driving the car (because of his DUI).  I said that wouldn't be necessary because he had died.  Tears began cascading down my cheeks (and hers too). It was all I could do to not completely come undone.  This is the first time I've allowed strangers to see my grief.  I am never that transparent.

I think "transparency" is the operative word.  I have been hiding the depth of my feelings from everyone - including myself.  Being transparent is a scary thing for me.  I have spent my whole life hiding my feelings.  How do I now open up and let anyone see this red hot pain that burns within me. Burns to the very core of my existence.  I truly do not know how to do that.  It is beyond the realm of my understanding.

I have come to the conclusion that I need professional help in learning how to work through these feelings.  Ignoring it certainly isn't helping.  I have all the symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome.  I've come to realize this over the past seven months.  I thought it would get better but it hasn't.  I feel stuck like a fly on flypaper.  I can flap my wings all I want but I'm not going anywhere.