I HAVE BEEN WONDERING

written October 5, 2010

I'VE HAVE BEEN WONDERING.......

why of late I have ventured into this world of whimsey.  It seems out of place in this journal or even in my life.  Then it dawned on me.  At this time, right now, the grief is so great that there are no words, no pictures that could possibly begin to describe it.

My mind, in an attempt at protecting me from myself, has refused to let me go into a dangerous place.  The pain is so great that I cannot live with it.  To open myself up to it might lead to a complete break down.  I have not yet allowed myself to fully grieve over Christian's death.  I have felt terrible sorrow, depression, emptiness but the full impact of losing him has not hit me yet.  I loved him so much and was so close to him.  I have wondered many times why I don't seem to grieve like other mothers.  Why I am not totally devastated.  Why they take to their beds unable to function from their grief and I do not.  Why I do not cry.   I mean really, really cry.

I felt it today beginning to creep in, breaking down this barrier against my emotions that I have erected.  I was at the insurance agent's office reinstating the insurance on my Honda.  The agent was rewriting the policy and came to the part about the exclusion on Christian driving the car (because of his DUI).  I said that wouldn't be necessary because he had died.  Tears began cascading down my cheeks (and hers too). It was all I could do to not completely come undone.  This is the first time I've allowed strangers to see my grief.  I am never that transparent.

I think "transparency" is the operative word.  I have been hiding the depth of my feelings from everyone - including myself.  Being transparent is a scary thing for me.  I have spent my whole life hiding my feelings.  How do I now open up and let anyone see this red hot pain that burns within me. Burns to the very core of my existence.  I truly do not know how to do that.  It is beyond the realm of my understanding.

I have come to the conclusion that I need professional help in learning how to work through these feelings.  Ignoring it certainly isn't helping.  I have all the symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome.  I've come to realize this over the past seven months.  I thought it would get better but it hasn't.  I feel stuck like a fly on flypaper.  I can flap my wings all I want but I'm not going anywhere.

ME AND MY HOT AIR BALLOON

ME AND MY HOT AIR BALLOON

written October 2, 2010

Floating amongst cotton clouds

High above noisy crowds.

Mountains, lakes, and streams

Muted colors blue and green.

I hear a flutter in the blue sky

And see birds as they wing by.

I float away without a care

Breathing in Autumn's crisp air.

Trees green, yellow, orange and red

A kaleidoscope of colors below me spreads.

I am in awe of our beautiful earth

It awakens my senses - a rebirth.

Of things forgotten or left behind

Things I thought I'd never again find.

Too long my feet have been glued to earth

Feeling sorrow, sadness; my life without worth.

Now my spirit rejoices; angels surround me

Singing sweet verse.  At last, at last I feel free.

All day I drift, dream, and softly float

But it's getting chilly.  I need a warm coat.

I float before a full silvery moon

Flying high in my hot air balloon.

Something is stirring.  A sudden urge

I think it's time from this balloon I emerge.

Its been nice.  Its been fun. But oh dearly me

The time has come. Land this thing! I've got to pee.

DID I STEAL THAT IDEA?

DID I STEAL THAT IDEA?  BORROW IT?  OR ALTER IT TO MAKE IT MINE?

Happiness can be such an evasive thing.  I chase it and chase it and sometimes, if I'm lucky, I can even catch it.  That is how I felt when I came across each of the art journaling pictures which inspired this post.

When I started my Grief Journal I didn't think anyone but me, and maybe my children, would see it.  It was, after all, created as a healing aide for all the emotions I had bottled up inside myself after Christian took his life by suicide.  A loss that left me devastated beyond what I thought I could endure or survive.  I badly needed a self-guided tour through my heart, my mind, and my soul to help me sort it all out.  Borrowing from Michelangelo, "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."  It was a  a journal that I hoped would set me free.

With the above thought in mind, I saw nothing wrong in borrowing ideas from different publications I had in my magazine stash.  Ideas created by wonderfully talented artists and writers.  I wish I had their talent but I just do my own thing and then hope others will be able to figure out what I'm talking about or what my artwork is suppose to be and what it's saying. 

 "Do your thing and I shall know you."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

So today I'm sharing with you some artwork I did which was totally inspired by others.  Because I didn't know that I would be starting a blog, I didn't write down the names of the artists whose work touched and inspired me.  I will, where I can, give the real artists full credit for their work.  One of the  artists I cannot find no matter how hard I try or how many publications I look through.

I did, however,  change things up a bit so the renderings aren't exactly as I saw them in the magazines; and most of you probably don't care so I'll stop babbling.

 PICTURE NUMBER 1

Life is Made Up of Sobs, Sniffles, and Smiles

This watercolor pencil drawing was inspired by Kelly Rae Roberts.  The long necks reminded me of the works of El Greco.  A Greek artist that lived and painted in Spain.  He used elongated figures to represent spirituality.  The idea may be theirs but this picture is mine.


 Kelly wrote a book titled Taking Flight - Inspiration and Techniques to Give Your Creative Spirit Wings.  This is a great book.   I'm so glad I purchased it and I would highly recommend it.  Even though it appears as thought it was written exclusively for women, it is a useful tool for anyone wanting to do creative writing and art journaling.   

  -  www.mycraftivity.com

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PICTURE NUMBER 2

Happy Frogs

Originating artist:  Diane Duda.  Diane can be found at:  www.dudadaze.blogspot.com

I was feeling especially sad one day in October of last year when I saw these frogs in the February/March/April 2009 issue of Artful BLOGGING.   They made me so happy that I had to draw them and include them in my journal  (photocopy?  can't make myself do it)   And they still make me happy every time I look at them.  I changed her "Welcome" to "Happy" and added the journaling and the dragonfly. (There's a reason I don't usually handwrite my journaling.)

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PICTURE NUMBER 3

Kite on a String and the Cow Jumped Over the Moon

The above watercolor was inspired by an unknown artist  - at least to me.  I changed the painting around a bit and added the cow jumping over the moon.  The words are basically those of the artist.  I did alter them a little bit.

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All of these drawings/paintings were done in the month of October 2010.  I want to thank all the artists for bringing a little happiness into my world.

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"Summer is almost over.  Twilight has passed and the late evening is chilly.   Uninvited  I wander in the dark from my yard to yours.  Silently slipping through the small passage in the hedges I secretly join you and your friends in the dim light of the bonfire in your backyard.  I am as attracted to that dim light as a gypsy moth is to a brighter and more fatal one.  So caught up are they in the passionate exchange of ideas, no one questions who I am or why I'm there or even if I should be there.  I sit quietly listening to your conversations and I tuck away in my memory the wisdom of your words and the powerful but yet beautiful images they create; and then I make them my own."  taken from a short story written by Linda DuBos

LIFE IS A PROGRESSION

A couple of people have ask me to tell them a little about myself.  I've put it off because quite frankly my life has not been all that interesting.  I will try to make this as painless as possible.  You ask for it so here it is:

From the time I was just a little girl I have wanted to be a Mother.  I cannot remember wanting to be anything else.  Well maybe I wanted to be a microbiologist during my high school and early adult years but not as much as the glorious calling to motherhood.  That was my destiny.  I'm pretty sure that if I had had my palm read that is what it would have said.

After graduating in 1964, I traveled around Europe and then took a bus trip across the United States and back again before settling down and getting serious about my future.  I worked at the FBI and had intended to attend BYU the following year but when I married at the age of 20 to a military man, Robert "Bob" Jorgensen,  my dreams of college ended.

While we were stationed at Fort Wolters, Texas, in 1966 we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl that we named Stephanie Michelle.   We were all packed and ready to move to Alabama for the second half of Bob's helicopter flight training when Stephanie made her appearance into the world six weeks earlier than expected.  Being so tiny she had to stay in the hospital until she weighed at least five pounds.

Knowing that as soon as she was big enough and healthy enough that we would be on our way to the new duty station we didn't want to put up and break down a crib so a dresser drawer was her first bed.  We just slide her in and out when we wanted to see her.  Just kidding.  We put the drawer on the coffee table.

Bob made the military his life from 1965 until 1969.  During that time he went to Viet Nam.  I stayed with my Mom and Dad in Maryland.  Three months after Bob left, our second child was born.  He was named Robert Arnold.  "Arnold" after Bob's best friend who was shot down and killed in Viet Nam.

In December of 1977 our third child was born, Christian Sean; and in June 1979 our fourth child, Tiffany Monique.  Three months after Tiffany was born, Bob and I separated and we divorced in 1983. This necessitated that I get a job.  Thus my life in the work force began.  I started as a secretary in a real estate office and quickly advanced to office manager.  Daughter Robyn became a welcome part of family when she was fourteen.  From the first day she has been a constant source of joy and love to all of us.  Now our family was complete.

With five children I needed to earn more money so I began a new career as an Escrow Secretary.  After a number of years I went back to school and became an Escrow Officer and later a Limited Practice Officer.  As a Limited Practice Officer I was sworn in by the State of Washington Supreme Court to the limited practice of law as it pertained to real and personal real estate transactions. Eventually I became the Designated Escrow Officer and Department Manger at Normandy Escrow.  I worked at Normandy for twelve years and loved every minute of it.

After Bob and I divorced I remained active in the church teaching Sunday School as I had for years.  I loved those little children so much and I think they taught me as much as I taught them.  

After one very fortunate breakup (although it didn't seem so at the time), I became an exercise freak to mend my broken heart.  I ran everyday regardless of the weather.  It rains a lot in Seattle so me and my little red umbrella could be seen racing up and down the streets.  That adrenaline high I got from running was addictive.

In 1992 I ran into an old boyfriend, Patrick DuBos.   I had gone with a date to the  annual Christmas Tree Lightening in the German village of Levenworth and Patrick was there also.  We have been together ever since and married in 1996.  Patrick had three children by his former wife, Gail, and I happily became stepmom to twins Michelle and Nicole and his son Alex.  Between us we had eight children.

In August of 2003 Patrick accepted a job with the Department of Defense and started working at the Puget Sound Naval Shipyard in Bremerton, WA.  We put our Des Moines house on the market, packed up, and moved into our dream house in Union, WA.  A short time later I started working at Land Title and Escrow in the city of Belfair.  Belfair was about 25 minutes away but the drive was along the banks of Hood Canal - an incredibly beautiful drive with panoramic views of the Olympic Mountains on the other side of the canal.

I only worked there a little less than two years when it as discovered that I had a brain tumor.  All my doctor appointments resulted in an early retirement.  No longer trusting myself to drive my son Bobby put his life on hold to drive me to my many appointments and help me around the house.  By this time I had worked in Escrow for over 20 years.  I got on Social Security disability after just one try which was monumental.  I was totally surprised that I hadn't had to fight for it.  Post Script:  My brain tumor has been resolved and I no longer have it.

With so much time on my usually very busy hands I was lost at first.  Watching the Martha Stewart Show I discovered the world of crafting which lead to an interest in art and writing.  This started a new chapter in my life.  I was recognized in a national magazine, and the most recognized in its field, "Art Doll Quarterly" for some art dolls I        conceptualized, designed, and made.

Next was the discovery of social networking which opened up my world.  With my computer I can travel to any place in the world in my pajamas.  I can access the halls of science and literature or history all with my fingertips.  New friends are made and old friendships renewed on facebook.  Knowledge and friendships are just a click away.  How wonderful.

Over the years we became the very proud grandparents of Robert Timothy, Brandon Anthony, Benton George, Persephone Myra, and now baby Christian Michael.  There is nothing more wonderful than grandchildren.  My heart swells with love whenever I think of them.  They have kept me grounded this past year and four months (can it really be that long?).

When I think back on my life, I cannot help but remember a time when I thought all the chairs would always be filled at our Thanksgiving and Christmas table.  Now there is one chair that will be permanently left empty.  Never did I think suicide would ever touch our family.  I always thought things would remain the same.  All the family together sharing the same laughter, the same warmth, the same hugs, the same love.  Now we get together but our gatherings are tinged with sadness because our Christian isn't here.  My darling, beautiful son you will be forever missed but your laughter, your sense of humor, your love will always be part of us.  And the memory of you will bring us happiness and joy because you were all those things and more.  Much, much more.  I love you.

A BEAUTIFUL NEW DAY

Miracles happen in all our lives but have you ever had an experience that was so great that you instantly knew that this was something wondrous: something rare and beautiful?  I had just such an experience in my life not that long ago.  Some might think that is was nothing special at all but I lived it and knew immediately that this was something very special indeed.  A gift of monumental proportions.  A gift that might well have grounded me and saved my sanity and in turn showed me how beautiful life can be.

A Beautiful New Day

September 27. 2010

It rained last night.  Nothing unusual, nothing different.  But today WAS different.  Today I woke up, opened my eyes, and breathed - deep.  Cool, clean refreshing air filled and expanded my lungs.  My ears were open and I heard the stellar jays singing their screeching morning song; chipmunks scolding birds.  I heard the rain on the roof, filling the gutters, rushing and tumbling to the ground.  Today was different because I FELT ALIVE.

The fog that had surrounded my every thought, my every sense, and robbed me of my strength and zest for life for these past eight months had rolled back and world was new again - and beautiful.  I walked downstairs and stepped outside into the crisp cool morning.  The trees were reflecting on the wet pavement of the driveway.  The greens of the grass and foliage were deep and vibrant.  Moss hung and swayed from branches of the evergreens.  I saw the lacy pattern of a spider's web glistening from the rain. The tiny spider was sleeping in the center of its web - peaceful and content after its labor.  Crocus were blooming in the garden - confused into thinking it was Spring; my tomatoes still green from the short summer.  In the woodland I found a leaf with red berries growing in the center of the leaf.  Previously never seen.  Little raindrops covered my glasses and ran down the lens.

And the air - the air was so incredible.  It was as though I had gone for months and months and months without breathing in.  I had not been living, I had been existing.  I had seen without seeing and heard without hearing.

I do not know if I've returned to this brave new world permanently or if I'm just visiting but I shall enjoy every second of today.  If not, and I know there will be times when I'll get lost again when sorrow comes calling and buries me in grief, I will look back on today and remember that the world is beautiful - and waiting for me to reawaken and start living again - really living.

As a part of nature people, like trees, must sometimes take a long slumber and gather energy and new life before they reawaken and life is renewed.  I still have much healing that must take place and many dark places to travel through but Hope like the twinkling North Star will guide my way.  Thank you Lord for the wondrous gift of today.