Michelle Chamuel - Go Down Singing (lyrics)

This song and this artist makes me cry.  Her message, which she describes as a true reflection of herself, is so powerful; and so gripping.  How I wish all those that gave up the fight and surrendered to the pain of life could have heard the message in this song.

I think instead of saying "go down singing" however, I would have encouraged those struggling to stand up and never go down.

My heart is heavy tonight.  Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Christian's birthday is past.  And now Christmas is over and New Year's Eve is quickly approaching.  The holidays are always hard but for some reason this year has been especially so.

Christian's oldest son, Brandon (now 16) and his girl friend are coming for a couple of days on New Year's day.  My goodness Brandon is so much like his Dad -  the way he expresses himself, carries himself.   His heart is so big and he is so kind.  While it gives me great joy - no, tremendous joy -  to be with him, he is so much like his Father that it also saddens me.  It's a sadness so deep that it grips my very soul.

I must remind myself not to cling to him or hug him too much.  Holding him and hugging him is like holding Christian once again.  And that is a burden I must not impose on one so young.

Brandon is so proud to be Christian's son.  All of Christian's friends have told him that his Dad was "bigger than life".  And we, as his family, believed that as well.  He did live life large.  All that he was, all that he did, all that he accomplished in his short 32 years makes me so proud to be his Mom.  But truthfully he was, after all,  just human.  And in his humanness, he chose to leave us.  If only he could have held on just a little longer.  I wonder if time would have changed anything.  I wonder if ………….

I will always wonder "if".  And I wonder if I will have the answers when his son asks me the hard questions.  Sometimes I think I should rehearse those answers but I don't.  I can't because the answers seem to change each time I think about them.

There are so many reasons that Christian left us.  Not just one.  There were so many emotions tied to his decision.  Too many disappointments in that last year.  Too much stress.  Too much of everything. Too much for him to handle.  Too, too many struggles.  Too much depression.  Too much anxiety.  Just too much.

I do wish he could have heard Michelle's song.  Maybe he could have held on.