Michelle Chamuel - Go Down Singing (lyrics)

This song and this artist makes me cry.  Her message, which she describes as a true reflection of herself, is so powerful; and so gripping.  How I wish all those that gave up the fight and surrendered to the pain of life could have heard the message in this song.

I think instead of saying "go down singing" however, I would have encouraged those struggling to stand up and never go down.

My heart is heavy tonight.  Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Christian's birthday is past.  And now Christmas is over and New Year's Eve is quickly approaching.  The holidays are always hard but for some reason this year has been especially so.

Christian's oldest son, Brandon (now 16) and his girl friend are coming for a couple of days on New Year's day.  My goodness Brandon is so much like his Dad -  the way he expresses himself, carries himself.   His heart is so big and he is so kind.  While it gives me great joy - no, tremendous joy -  to be with him, he is so much like his Father that it also saddens me.  It's a sadness so deep that it grips my very soul.

I must remind myself not to cling to him or hug him too much.  Holding him and hugging him is like holding Christian once again.  And that is a burden I must not impose on one so young.

Brandon is so proud to be Christian's son.  All of Christian's friends have told him that his Dad was "bigger than life".  And we, as his family, believed that as well.  He did live life large.  All that he was, all that he did, all that he accomplished in his short 32 years makes me so proud to be his Mom.  But truthfully he was, after all,  just human.  And in his humanness, he chose to leave us.  If only he could have held on just a little longer.  I wonder if time would have changed anything.  I wonder if ………….

I will always wonder "if".  And I wonder if I will have the answers when his son asks me the hard questions.  Sometimes I think I should rehearse those answers but I don't.  I can't because the answers seem to change each time I think about them.

There are so many reasons that Christian left us.  Not just one.  There were so many emotions tied to his decision.  Too many disappointments in that last year.  Too much stress.  Too much of everything. Too much for him to handle.  Too, too many struggles.  Too much depression.  Too much anxiety.  Just too much.

I do wish he could have heard Michelle's song.  Maybe he could have held on.

TODAY I ATE CAKE

Today is December 9th, 2013 and today I ate cake and wore clothes.  Today is my son Christian's 4th Heavenly birthday.  My Facebook page says he is 36 years old but really he is only 32 and will forever be 32.  Not one day older.

When Christian was in the third grade, his teacher ask the students to write a paper about their favorite holiday.  Christian's went something like this (I don't remember exactly because his paper was lost at his Memorial Service):

"I think December 9th should be a holiday.  It is my birthday and everyone would celebrate me. They would eat cake and wear clothes."

I think that is kind of funny because Christian didn't especially like cake.  The only one he ever requested was the chocolate one that you poke holes in and then pour chocolate pudding over - Jello Pudding Cake I think it was called.  What he really loved was banana cream pie.  One year the grandmother of one of his friends made it for him and he talked about how special that was for years.

Today is Christian's birthday and my heart was so heavy, my grief so great.  His absence so intensely felt.  How he loved his birthday.  My heart was broken and tears filled my eyes and flowed down my cheeks without warning and without regard to time or place.  Part of that sadness was because I, as his mother, was so afraid that as time passed he would be forgotten by his friends.  I was so afraid that he would become just a distant memory that would eventually fade away.

But that didn't happen.  I have received so many heartfelt messages about how remembered he still is and how loved he still is.  Of course, that didn't stop my tears but these new tears were tears of not just sadness but also of joy.

The mother of one of his friends reminded me that today should be a celebration of all the years we spent together.  She reminded me that Christian "REALLY LIVED LIFE".

As the years go by, the number of people that have gathered on his birthday has gotten smaller.  But I am here and tonight I will write my note, attach it to a balloon, and send it into the Heavens.  Other family members are celebrating his birthday at their own homes.

He was joyful; he was a free spirit; and he lived life large.  Depression took him from us but we will always remember the love and laugher he brought into our lives.

You are so missed my darling child.

Isn't this the perfect balloon?  How he loved his music.