CHRISTMAS - ONCE AGAIN - 2012

I thought I'd never have a Christmas tree again - except for the tiny tree my husband Patrick put up for our one year old grandson last year.   However, the baby loves it so much and Papa loves the baby so much that Patrick never took it down.  One day I felt the need and took it down but then the baby came for a visit and back up it went.  Crazy maybe but he loves touching the lights with his little finger and saying "Pretty" each time.  The baby rules.

For me that barely counts as a Christmas tree because it wasn't our family tree.  It was just a replacement tree that took no effort.  I think we only put three ornaments on it last year.

In years past the tree had been my big "project" of the year.  Each year had a different theme and was quite elaborate and took much planning (and expense).     One year it was peacocks and the tree was in beautiful shades of iridescent blues and greens.  Another was a Victorian theme and still another was a woodland theme and the tree was covered in different birds, bronze sparkling pinecones, etc.  Oh, how I loved my Christmas tree.

Then Christian left us and with his departure went my joy and my energy.  I had no interest at all the first Christmas without my son and there wasn't an ornament or any sign of Christmas or celebration of the holidays.  Last year was much the same except for that little tree for the baby.  Only last year the family came once again and filled the house with their laugher and warm hugs.  Still, I had little Christmas spirit.

This year would have been a repeat of last year but my husband decided to change that.  On Thanksgiving he had our son, Bobby, and sons-in-law, Ken and Matt, go down to the shed and haul the tree and the boxes and boxes and boxes of ornaments into the house.  It was fun going through the boxes but then I just put them aside and forgot them.

December 9th was a combination birthday party for Christian and an unplanned tree decorating party.  We did our annual balloon release in Christian's memory, sang "Happy Birthday",  and had his favorite cake.  Then I watched as the children decorated the tree.  Something I never would have done left on my own.

The magic of Christmas on a little boy's face.

Persephone carefully places a nesting bird.

Our little Christmas angel.

Persephone and baby Christian

Auntie Stephanie and Persephone

So now we have two trees - the big one and the baby's small one and I must admit they do bring a measure of festivity into the house.

I wish with all my heart that I could say that I'm enjoying the holidays but try as I will, I just can't.  I look around our house and remember how special and joyful it all was when Christian was here.  Each room holds a memory of his unique sense of humor and tells a story.  Now the house feels empty and I feel even more empty.  I wonder what it will take for the warmth I use to feel to once again fill that empty, cold place in my heart.

The tree is a start this year.  Maybe next year I will find joy in the season once again.