GRIEF IS A LOT LIKE THE FIRST DAY ON A PLAYGROUND

ILLUSTRATED WITH PICTURES OF ONE YEAR OLD CHRISTIAN MICHAEL JORGENSEN,  my grandson.

Today two things happened simultaneously.  In the first, the words to the chorus of the old Paul Simon song "Slip Sliding Away" popped into my head:  "Slip sliding away, slip sliding away, You know the nearer your destination, the more you slip sliding away."  You know those songs that get inside your head and won't let go.  That is how that song was.  The second thing that happened was my husband, Patrick, put together a yard toy for the grandchildren.

You're probably wondering what in the world these two things could possibly have in common - especially in a blog regarding loss and recovery.  In my case, the loss of my greatly loved son to suicide.  It came to mind that grief is a lot like a very small child's first visit to a playground.  It can be confusing, frightening, and a time of great uncertainty.  The child enters into a strange world of overwhelmingly large obstacles and challenges.  He is confused as to what others are doing and can't figure out what his place is in this strange, new environment he finds himself in.

When we lose a loved one that is exactly how we feel also.  We are lost in this strange, new place we suddenly find ourselves in.  We do not know what to do or how to handle all the emotions that come flooding in.  We feel our old lives and everything that we thought we knew about life slip sliding away. Our hearts are broken in a way that we never experienced before.  We long for understanding and answers and we want someone to give us the love, comfort, and support we need.

Our emotions swing from low to high and back to low again.  It repeats itself over and over again.  Especially the first year.  We just pray that the binds that hold us won't break and send us crashing to the ground.  Like that small child all we can do is hold on tight and hope that we will land upright and on our own two feet.  Or maybe we'll just hang there until someone comes to rescue us.

At times it feels as though we are crawling through a long, dark tunnel.  We don't know where it will come out or if we will even find the end.

The journey seems so long, so hard, and so impossible.  In the beginning we don't even want to try.  We just want to give up and be given time to feel the unbearable. Without feeling and processing, we will be lost in a chasm of despair.

There may be in our lives those that unintentionally hurt us with their words, their good intentions; but eventually we learn that we must push pass these hurtful cliches and understand that those that say them don't know they are causing more pain.  As hard as it is, we must be large of heart and accept what they say with the love they intended.

I have been guilty in the first days of rushing to judge and condemn hurtful words uttered in ignorance  even though they were kindly intended.  I came to realize that tired cliches are made because loving souls don't know what else to say.  Pain is not their intention.  Lets not purposely use our words to cause them unnecessary pain.

We may also encounter the equivalent of the playground bully.  Those that are so hurt themselves that they strike out at us.  Foolish, foolish people that sling vile words of insult and accusations to ease their own conscience.  They do it because they cannot handle their pain and, for reasons foreign to me, try to transfer their pain onto the most vulnerable.  Often they turn their backs and refuse to allow a place for us in their lives.  Then years later when they realize how they have wronged us or to soothe their own conscience, they come to ask forgiveness and for our own peaceful state of mind, we grant their pardon of sin.  We must do that or risk waddling in hate ourselves; and where there is hate there is no peace or tranquility.

Life becomes such a wild ride of highs, lows, twists, and turns.

Try as we will, there is no way to avoid that scary ride.  Just when we think that we are growing, becoming stronger, in an instant the smallest reminder will spin our lives out of control and throw us into a state of depression.  Even with all our personal triumphs,  there will be difficult times; and while we will not need to completely begin at the beginning of our journey, it takes time to regroup and begin again.  These things are normal and are to be expected.  Do not be discouraged when it happens.

If we are really lucky, there is a loved one, or perhaps more,  there to assist us when the slide into the darkness takes place.  Loving hands to help guide us and a gentle arm to hold onto.  They offer a listening ear and let us know that they are there for us whenever we need them.

There will also be those times when we find ourselves alone and having been tripped up with a rush of emotions, we are confused and can't seem to be able to get up again.

Those times can happen at the grocery store when we see our loved one's favorite food.  Or for me it was in the mall.  It was our first Christmas without Christian and as I stood before a cashmere sweater that I knew Christian would have selected for himself had he been there, I dissolved into a weeping mess right there in the store.  I could barely stand or walk.  I have never felt so powerless as I did at that moment.  I had no control over my emotions.  I questioned if I would ever be alright again.

As time passed, I began to see myself as a survivor.  I learned that within me there was an inner strength.  I realized how important hope was.  I also learned that I didn't have to make the journey alone.

There are, unfortunately, a large number of us survivors.  They have held me up when I couldn't stand alone.  Their words of love have given me comfort.  Their understanding has given me strength to carry on.  There are no words to explain what their support has meant to me.  In times of greatest need they are my inspiration.  I am so thankful my brothers and sisters in sorrow have found their way into my life.  I am blessed to know them.

I will at times, even two and a half years later, find myself back in that dark place.  Last week, for example, just for a moment I forgot my son Christian was no longer with us.  I made a statement to my other son about something Christian could do now that circumstances had changed and suddenly I was hit in the face with the realization that no, Christian would not be doing that because he isn't there any longer.   I was sick.  I cried for the rest of the day.

Life gets messy.

But that is how life is.  We find obstacles in the way of our recovery but we find a way around them.  Like a Jungle Jim on the playground we may have to go over them or under them or climb through them but with God's help, or whatever higher power you depend on, we can keep moving forward, overcoming, developing, and evolving.

This journey of recovery will never be over for us.  Our pain is like that tall, tall slide is to a very small child.  We must climb to get to the top.  How we decide to perceive it after we get to that top landing is up to us.  We can feel joyful and exhilarated that we conquered all those stairs, made it to the top, and overcoming our fears slide victoriously to the bottom; or we can live lives of desperation and guilt and be forever afraid of the slide back down into pain.  There may be those that are even afraid to attempt the climb up.  I hope there are none or very few that would place those limitations on themselves.

I say lets keep climbing that mountain of pain and arrive victorious at the top.  When those times come that we find ourselves falling, remember that each climb back up makes us stronger and wiser.

Bless you as you get stronger in your struggles to survive.

Baby Christian sends his love.