A BLESSING IN AN EMAIL: A GIFT FOR MOMMA

Lethargic, apathetic, indifferent, bored, and a little angry.  These are all words I have used to describe my recent state of mind.  It's as though I can't find anything that excites me - makes me want to get out of bed in the morning  I've exhausted myself trying to find something that will kindle a flame.  No, a flame is too big.  All I can hope for at this point is a spark.  And for that spark I would be thankful.

I have gardened; I have baked bread; I have cooked up a storm; I have painted picture after pictures; I have done some mixed-media art projects; I have tried my hand at fabric art; and I even folded dozens of origami canoes and then had to find something to do with them.  Nothing holds my interest for long. I even get mad at myself because once I start a project I feel compelled to complete it even when I don't want to (can you say obsessive-complusive disorder?).

And I have wondered if this is how I will spend the rest of my life.  Searching and never finding fulfillment.

I have been restless before but never to this extent and never for so long.  This morning, being extremely dissatisfied with how things are going (and after shamefully yelling at my dear husband and son for no valid reasons), I decided to think this through and try to determine when and why it all started.  My first thought was I'm having Summer Olympics withdrawals.  No, can't be that because it started long before the Olympics began.  As my mind drifted back, it suddenly became abundantly clear.

A little over a month ago my mother, brother, and sister-in-law came for a visit from their respective homes in Nevada.

When they arrived, Momma was sick and progressively became more and more ill.  Ill to the point that she was neither eating, drinking liquid, or getting out of bed.  We could get her to take tiny sips of liquids but that is all she would do (did I ever mention how stubborn she can be?).  I have never seen my 88 year-old mother that sick before.  Just at the point where we were ready to pack her up and take her to the hospital - over her protests - she rallied.  When they left for the trip home a few days later, she was still extremely weak and not altogether well.

The realization that our Mother could have, and some day will, leave us left all of frightened and shaken.  My mind has always known that the inevitable will someday happen but the heart says "never".  We began to question among ourselves how much longer she will be able to live alone.  Her memory is failing quickly and is much worse than it was even six months ago.  I fear the time for a serious conversation with her about what she wants is rapidly approaching.  A conversation that will be difficult because she is unaware of her decline in cognitive abilities.

All of this has made me realize that I have begun to grieve a transition in our lives that none of us want to face.  Her illness, her memory loss, and the confusion she often experiences has forced a reality upon me that I fear and that I don't want to accept.

Our Mother has always been the cornerstone of our spread-out family.  She is that bright beacon that shows us the way home.  Home being wherever she is.  In times of emotional sorrow, she has always been there with a warm hug and words of love, compassion, and wisdom.  She is my strength and my hope.  I grieve that I may be losing that part of her long before I am ready.  My heart is heavy with the thought.  For the mind to travel beyond that is too heartbreaking.

I did not know it previously but grief does not have to follow a loss.  It can precede the actual loss and comes unawares into our lives.  At times the fear of losing a loved one can be almost as debilitating as the grief we go through when the time finally comes.  Now identified, I can try to deal with my feelings and recognize them for what they truly are.

Two days ago I received an email from my sister, Debbie.  In that email she presented an idea for a gift for Mom.  She ask that we all (brother, sisters, our spouses, grandchildren, great-grandchildren) write down our memories of growing up with or getting to know Mom and our love for her.  She'll then compile all our writings into a book which will be given to Momma (and hopefully with copies to us).

How perfect I thought.  An opportunity to tell her all the things I hold in my heart and might have never told her except for this.  Initially, because of my lethargic, apathetic, indifferent, and ready-to-give-up-before-I-begin attitude, I was a little overwhelmed with the thought of such a large endeavor but now I feel invigorated.

I can take all those sad feelings, turn them inside out, and do something good and positive.  Already I feel better.  Or I will.  As soon as I get my own time-warped mind in gear.  What a blessing my sister's email has been to me.

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SAMPLES OF ARTWORK FROM THE MIND OF AN OBSESSIVE-COMPLUSIVE MAD WOMAN LIVING ON THE EDGE:



WATERCOLORS:

FABRIC ART:  I just discovered this art medium.  Everything is made with small pieces of cloth. These are my first attempts.

I received a photograph of my grandson, Benton, walking in the rain.  I just love it and tried to duplicate it in fabric.

MIXED MEDIA ART:  The base images were taken from the website of Cloth, Paper, Scissors.  I just added the embellishments.  I thought it would be fun to show a mermaid under water with an umbrella.

I made the panels for the umbrella with alcohol ink; I braided strands and strands and strands of thread to make the braided hair; I added the shell and starfish.

I made and added the star fish, stitched in the highlights for the hair, and made and added the bands around her hair and around her neck.

ORIGAMI CANOES:  Whatcha goin'a do with a dozen handmade and painted canoes?  Paint a beach picture and add them on.