Into Each Heart Some Rain Must Fall

Into Each Heart Some Rain Must Fall

"Be still sad heart and cease repining:
Behind the clouds the sun is shining,
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life a little rain must fall.
Some days must be dark and dreary."
- Longfellow -

Ella Fitzgerald and the Ink Spots sang it this way:

"Into each life some rain must fall
But too much is falling in mine.
Into each heart some tears must fall
But some day the sun will shine."

"A little rain must fall" ... Longfellow makes it sound like a soft Spring rain. "Be still heart and cease repining; Behind the clouds the sun is shining" ... don't be sad. Things are going to get better. "Some days must be dark and dreary".... Accept that life at times will bring unhappiness.

I think the key words in his poem are "a little". A little rain (sadness, heartache, trials) I can handle. What I find more difficult to deal with is a downpour. A deluge. Rain that doesn't stop. It goes on and on and on. Too much rain causes floods. A flood of unstoppable emotions. At this time in my life, Ella Fitzgerald says it all "Into each life some rain must fall, But too much is falling in mine."

Easter Sunday was going to be wonderful. I had stayed up all night happily preparing or prepping the dishes that would be served with our holiday ham. My heart was full of joy. Patrick, my husband, was healing much quicker than we had expected. Bobby, our son, was in a good place emotionally. Most of our children and their children were coming.

The easter baskets and eggs were ready to be hidden. I had set the table with the good china and silver; and on the table was a floral arrangement; on either side of the flowers were two of the Victorian rabbits I had made. Daughter Robyn, living in Arizona and being unable to come, had express mailed a huge basket of cookies for us to enjoy. Everything was going to be perfect.

And it almost was. We received a call that our son-in-law, Ken, had come down with the flu so he, our daughter Stephanie, and little Christian were not going to be able to come. Disappointing? Oh, yes, but it was alright. Sickness can't be helped. Besides we still had seven year old Persephone to hunt for all the eggs I had hidden.

The Easter Egg Hunt was great fun. The meal was fabulous. And the company was even better. Daughters Michelle and her friend Ashley, Tiffany and Matt and Persephone, and Patrick and I filled the chairs around the table. There was much laughter and such a spirit of love filled the house.

And I pretended. I put a smile on my face and laughter on my lips; but my heart was heavy. I was not going to further burden my family when we had all recently gone through so much. This was a day of celebration and renewal. Spring flowers were beginning to bloom, the sun was shining, the day was warm, and the grass was dry. Something those of us that live in the rainy Pacific Northwest can really appreciate. A perfect Easter day.

So why when it was such a glorious day did I feel so downtrodden? Why the need for pretense? Early that morning I had gone into the buffet looking for something - I don't remember what - and while lifting things up and searching, I saw a handwritten letter from Christian. I had never seen it before. I don't know how it got there but there it was - two years later. I opened it and began to read.

I share this with you because it is my hope that from his letter others might find understanding and perhaps even a degree of comfort. As my Christian clearly states it was no one's fault. It was his choice and once he had made up his mind, no one could do anything to change it.

It reads in part:

"To all my family and friends,

I know there will be a thousand unanswered questions. But the truth is no one could stop me. I've been trying to find a way to die that's not to violent. So I tried pills, that didn't work. I tried gassing myself with a car and with propane, still no luck. This time no one expects a thing. And this time I'll get it done.

I know this is selfish but it really seems like my only option. I lost everything and Kristen (his girlfriend and mother to his son Benton) is just gone. I just needed to feel some kind of love from her. I do wish I could've had just one more night with her - just having fun the way I do, crazy style! but oh well, I'm not going to cry over split milk. I can't take the lies, madness, or anything else.

There's nothing any one could do. It's not your fault, or her fault. This is my choice. I'll miss you all, like I know you'll miss me. But I'll always be there in your heart. Look out for my boys. They'll need you the most.

I've always lived by a code so I need to die by my way. I just need this. Everybody knew this was coming. I chose this two weeks ago, almost three now. But once someone really makes up their mind about something, nobody can change it.

I just feel like a ghost in the belly of the beast. But don't worry. I'll be free now. When you look around the world and you see that beauty, I'll be right there with you enjoying it. I love this world and all its gorgeous things - from a simple leaf, the sky, the smell of a flower, everything.

But I want to go now! My way! So enjoy your life because I sure have. A lot larger than most, like a rock star. I shined so bright. And now I feel as if all the light is gone.

Well I gotta go. So be strong, love your life, and have hella fun for me. I'll be right there laugh'n and talk'n s**t with you.

But please remember my boys. Look after them. Teach them to never steal and try not to lie. We all know I've tried to help people, to forgive, and to respect my elders - I love old people! Danny, J.P. (Christian's best friends) we all know this is how I've lived. But I sure did love it when a gangsta wanted to test me. That was always a thrill. I hate bad/evil doers. I've always tried to be in the light but I've always walked in the grey.

I love all of you, especially Kristen, Benton, and Brandon. Sorry I couldn't make it through this. But remember I'll always love all of you, and I mean everybody. Stay happy for me. It's all good.

Christian"

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For once, there is nothing more I can say.