Ding dong, Ding dong, Ding dong Ding

I've been wondering of late and hope you know
It seems as though I did a long, long time ago
But do I really, honesty and truly exist?
Or over the water am I only the mist
Am I a vapor trail high up in the sky
Or just a shadowy reflection in your eye?

Perhaps I am the fog rising up from the cold, damp ground
Or one of the invisible friends that no longer comes around.
It seems I can remember once being whole
A real live person with a heart and a soul
What happened to that person, where did she go?
Sometimes people guess but they don't actually know.

I look in the mirror and there's no one there
Am I only a dust particle floating in the air
Or am I the spooky sounds you hear in the night
The ones that wake you up in a state of fright?
If you reached out to me with your loving touch
And couldn't find me, would you miss me very much?

You look at this shell that once housed the living
See, it's walking talking, laughing, smiling, singing
But I'm not there. I've gone away and took with me my mind
Which is funny because that's the part of me I still can't find
When last I saw it, the poor thing was in sad, sad shape
It just wanted to hide in the back of my head and escape.

My mind hid away and took my eyes and ears along
It wanted to shut out the decorations, lights, and songs
It wanted to turn off Christmas bells ringing out "ding dong"
"Ding Dong" "Ding dong" all of that noise is so wrong
For a grieving heart the holiday season is too prolonged.
It was nice for a while but now it's time to say so long.

This time of year is too painful; heart, mind, soul disconnected
How do you insulate yourself, make sure you're protected
When every where you go there's reminders that break your heart
Remembering the one you loss and how it tore your life apart.
To protect others from my sorrow, I hid myself away
Crying, screaming, weeping, then I come out and act like its just another day.

When we are so broken, how do we put our lives back together again
You will have to ask someone smarter than me ... perhaps a wise friend.
As for me, I'll go on pretending and dreaming and wishing upon a star
That someday, no matter who we are, that our dreams will all come true
And we will find the wholeness that we all once knew.

******************************************************************

The holidays will soon be over and as hard as it is, I'll be sad to see parts of it go. I sincerely do love the lights illuminating the houses and streets and store fronts. Everything looks so festive and happy. This seems to be a contradiction to all that I've said but I am a person to which contradiction is no stranger. It comes from trying to see the issues from all sides and since the sides are all different, so is my thinking.

This one thing I know to be true and without contradiction: the holidays are unbelievably difficult if you've lost someone that you deeply love. Instead of embracing old holiday traditions, we run away from them because the absence of the loved one is too strongly felt during those times. It is sad for us and for the rest of family that look to us to be their strength and to fill in the empty places in their lives.

On January 18, 2012, I will be entering my third year in this loss process. I'm told it eventually gets easier with time; but for me, this holiday season is harder than the last one. I suppose it's easier in the respect that I don't dread the arrival of Christmas because I survived last year and will survive this year and many more Christmases too come - God willing. There are just so many things I still can't do but I'm hoping that in time the pain will lessen and I will be able to enter a store or go to the mall without having a melt down. I don't know how long it will take but I'll patiently wait until the day I can walk through the doors and not be sadden by the sight of Christmas decorations. Today I am going to put all that aside and just sit back, relax, and "wonder what Christmas in Heaven is like."

"And I wonder...
Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold?
Are the mansions all covered in white?
Are you singing with the angels Silent Night?
I wonder ....
What Christmas in Heaven is like."

Are you kneeling with shepherds before Him now
Can you reach out and touch His face
Are you part of that glorious Holy night?
I wonder.....
What Christmas in Heaven is like."

` Christmas in Heaven, Music by Jeremy Johnson and Paul Marino ~