BE DARING, BE DIFFERENT, BE IMPRACTICAL

Consumed with just trying to get through each day, I had forgotten the thrill of trying something daring, something different, something impractical. Something just plain old fun. I was holding onto grief so hard that I was afraid to let go of it. Or even lighten my grip on it. Afraid that if I did, I might somehow be letting go of a part of my son.

So I decided to try to let go of part of my grief. Hopefully that will equate into waking up with a smile on my face instead of a tear in my eye. My Christian wouldn't want me to be sad. He'd want his Mom back that would break out in spontaneous song whenever the mood struck - which was often; the Mom that laughed all the time; and had a smile on her face most of the time; the Mom that looked for and found goodness and happiness in life. I may or may not be successful but I'm going to try to achieve some sort of forward momentum in that direction.

So with that in mind, I made a list of the things I love. I'm happy to report that it is a rather long list. Two of the things on my tattered list - I carried it around for several days adding things as I thought of them - were yellow rain boots and a red umbrella. I don't know why they give me a warm fuzzy feeling when I think about them but they do. Happy things don't have to have a reason.

Two more things are crosswalks and big blue mailboxes. I like pulling open the trapdoor on the mailbox. It's like a big blue mouth opening on a Sesame Street moppet. It opens big and wide and I drop my letters onto its tongue. I shut the door and imagine them falling down, down, down into the belly of the mailbox. Then, of course, I have to open and close it a couple of times to make sure it swallowed all my letters. I try to peer inside but can't see down inside. I always wonder if they fell all the way down or got caught on some metal thing-a-ma-jig half way down. Crazy, maybe; childlike, definitely. But it makes me happy. And crosswalks quite simply keep me from getting run over and I like that - a lot.

I have put it off but now I must think about my new goal. But before I can progress on my journey, the first and hardest thing to do is to overcome my fear. Fear that I might not remember how to live again. I know that my "normal" will never the normal that I once knew. I will never again be that person so I'll have to adapt and accept and learn to live with my new "normal" - whatever that may be.

Be daring, be different, be impractical,
be anything that will assert integrity of
purpose and imaginative vision against
the play-it savers, the creatures of the
commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary."
~~~~~ Sir Cecil Beaton ~~~~~

Be daring, Be Different, Be Impractical

I am uncertain and fearful about moving forward.
I tell myself I will be brave and I will be courageous.
Today I will walk a tight rope between
What was and what is
And tiptoe toward what can be.
The raging River of Life races on far below.
When the current slows and I am ready
I may want to be part of it
But I don't want to fall unprepared into it.

So today I will BE DARING
I will BE DIFFERENT
I WILL TAKE A CHANCE
I will walk a tight rope in bright yellow rain boots.
My beautiful, beautiful bright yellow rain boots
And I will carry my favorite red and white umbrella.
It looks like a miniature circus tent and it makes me smile
But it also gives me balance and makes me feel secure.

I WILL BE IMPRACTICAL
Throwing away convention
(and my mother's words
About always being practical)
I am free to be totally, completely, wildly me.
I will wear pearls and a flower in my hair
And dress in a flouncy iridescent tutu
That looks like the colors of fairy wings.

I begin slowly, carefully
I am still close to the beginning
I could turn back.
I take a deep breath and continue on.
Tentatively I reach the middle of my journey
With a great leap of faith and
Fighting back fear, suddenly I jump
Spinning and twirling in the air.

Landing gracefully, gingerly on one foot
The wire bends beneath my weight
And springs taunt once again.
Momentarily fear seizes me as my foot leaves the wire
Involuntarily I gasp for air and hold my breath
But my bright yellow rain boot lands and holds firm.

I am safe! I scream with delight!
I am jubilant in my victory.
I have come half way
And I did not falter or fall.
Tomorrow there will be a new victory
Because today I was no longer afraid to let go and try.

*******************************************************

Carpe diem - Seize the day

Live your truth. Express your love,
Share your enthusiasm.
Take action towards your dreams.
Walk your talk.
Dance and sing to your music,
Embrace your blessings.
Make today worth remembering."
~~~~~ Steve Maraboli ~~~~~