SORROW'S HANDS

Journal entry written April 15, 2011. This entry was written on a day when I was feeling especially good about myself. I felt that I had turned a corner in the healing process - and perhaps I had. The problem with sorrow and grief is that it never totally releases you. Not ever.

Once sorrow was all I had
It tore me down until
There was nothing left of me.
In the beginning I was thankful for it
Without it I would never have survived.
Survived? I was reduced to a mindless puddle
of hurt, pain, anger, and so much sorrow.
But it let me know I was still alive, still feeling.
Day after day passed and Sorrow and I
Huddled together. In bed. On the couch.
My only real companion.
But slowly, very, very slowly and without me realizing it
Sorrow began to pull away.
Some days he wasn't there at all.

I found my wobbly legs could once again support my weight
Then one day there on my bed beside me I found my heart
Not bloody, tattered, and torn
But whole and perfectly formed.
I looked for my old friend Sorrow wondering how this could be
Where had he gone? Why wasn't he there walking beside me?
Why was I seeing the brightness of the sun
And the blue of the sky? Why did I hear the songs of birds
And the wind as it blew by?
I could feel he was close
But he no longer enfolded me in his wings of grief and despair
Which had been oddly comforting
Because I knew those were the right things to feel
When your heart has broken and you've cried until
There are no more tears.

I searched and search until I was weary
And laying down I fell into a deep, deep sleep.
And there in my dream I saw Sorrow.
He was holding me gently between his fingers
He had built for me a foundation on which I could grow
He had looked with his knowing eyes into my soul
And seeing what I needed
He had taken the broken pieces
And with his artful hand and his artist's towel
He created from my broken and shattered mind
A new beginning. Not a replica of the old me
But a new me, a different me.

As I watched I saw, before sealing it all up,
He had tucked in hope and faith
A new understanding and acceptance
Of those things I cannot change.
And with the most tender touch he softly added
Permission to enjoy life again.
And when he had finished
He lifted me up with his strong arms and powerful wings
Gently kissed me and set me free.