I MOVE IN AND OUT OF SHADOWS

I lay in the darkness trying to will myself to sleep
But images and sounds of that last day play
Over and over in my mind like it was yesterday
I try to will it away but still it remains
And sleep, impossible sleep, evades me and eventually
As hard as I struggle against it
The time of day I hate the most arrives.

Light begins to tinge the darkness
The sky becomes an ugly muted gray.
And with it the birds awaken and begin
Their morning songs.
When the day is bright, I love the
Songs of the birds - songs melodious and cheery.
But not now. Now it is just a reminder
That once again I have failed at sleep.

I give in to my failure and accept
What is coming. Not only will I be
Sick to the far reaches of my soul by my memories-
Memories so tragic they rip my heart out-
I will be exhausted. Emotionally
And physically exhausted all day. Every minute.
I will drag myself along wanting nothing more than
The comfort of my bed and deep, peaceful, dreamless
Sleep.

As I begin my day with dread
Thinking that nothing good
Could possibly happen
The sun begins to rise.
The gray sky slowly becomes a mixture of gold,
And varying shades of rose, orange,
yellow and crimson.
I cannot turn my eyes away.
Too quickly it is gone.
But for a short time
I see it in all its glory.
Such breathtaking beauty.
A miracle that happens each day.
Each morning.
And then again in the evening.

Clouds may obscure it at times
But it is still there.
Temporarily hidden from our view.
The songs of the birds
Suddenly sound sweet.
I close my eyes and
lift my face towards the heavens
A soft smile plays upon my face
I want to remember the joy of
This moment. The peace. The happiness.
The contentment.

I move in and out of shadows.

Then it happens. As soon as I begin
To find comfort and joy in my little
Piece of personal real estate
Guilt creeps in. Guilt that I am happy.
I suddenly find myself back in that
Dreaded gray place
Where everything is shadows and illusions.
You left me. You died and left me.
I no longer exist as I once did.
Do I exist at all? I mean really exist.

I look at my hands and arms
I see my barely visible image
In the mirror.
I am almost translucent
I am without substance in this
Strange empty place I live in - alone.
I pull my collar tight
Around my neck as if to keep
What is left of ME inside.

Like the shadows formed by the sun
And that lay upon the ground
Or shadows that climb up walls and ceilings
I can pass effortlessly through
Them and they through me.
We are layer upon layer of
Gray, oddly shaped shadows.

I hate this colorless gray world.
I long for the sunrise and sunset
For the blue of the ocean
And the green of the forest.
Such beauty. Such amazing beauty.


I move in and out of shadows.

Darkness. Light.
Depression. Joy.
Tears. Laugher.
Friendships. Isolation.
Grief. Sorrow, Sadness.
Gray skies. Gray days.
Gray Life.

But if I wait, color will return.
Unexpected and glorious.
And I will savor
And drink in the joy of the moment.
I will lay upon the grass
With my arms spread wide
Allowing the colors
To fall upon me and the Sounds
of Movement and life to fill me.
I will capture each second
Of this amazing gift.

Until it disappears once again and
Sadness covers me like a wool blanket
In summer - heavy, hot, and uncomfortable
And unwanted.
I do not have the strength
Or the ability to turn away
When the darkness of the night
surrounds me and sleep evades me
And memories of you push
Everything else away. My tears falling
Endlessly. I'm barely able to
Catch my breathe.
Heart beating so rapidly
I fear it will explode.

I move in and out of shadows.

Darkness. Light.
Depression. Joy.
Tears. Laugher.
Friendships. Isolation.
Grief.