DID YOU EVER.......

The following journal entry was written June 13, 2011, and was an accurate depiction of my feelings during that time period. Today is November 11, 2011. It is amazing to me how life repeats itself over and over again. And it doesn't take but an instant, one memory to careen us back into heartache. Sending us spiraling and crashing down.

Of late I have been waking up with a smile on my face. I feel so up, so on top of the world.

Our little grandson fills my days with sweet little smiles and baby chatter. He goes from one toy to another playing and then looking up at me to be sure I'm watching, smiles, and then goes on to another toy. Our days are pretty much the same ...busy - especially now that he can crawl like the wind - but happy.

I rarely ever get the opportunity to go out by myself so today going to the mall alone was a treat and something I haven't done for the past twenty-two months. I've been somewhat of a recluse since Christian died. I haven't had any interest in going any where where I might have to interact with others. At first it was a need and then the need became so comfortable that it became a habit and then a way of life.

The trip to the mall wasn't planned. It was merely something to do between doctor appointments. I walked through the automated doors expecting nothing. I stood there momentarily frozen. It truly felt like I had left a black, white, and gray world and walked into dreamland. There were huge Christmas ornaments dangling from the ceiling and displayed in spectacular arrangements everywhere I looked. Sparkle and glitter and tiny white lights. The store windows were festively decorated with "snow" and frosty blues and silver. The artificial bushes and trees were aglitter with frozen branches and colorful birds.

I wandered through the stores and looked at the displays of clothing wrapped in ribbons with an underlay of tissue paper. I especially liked the arrangements of bone china and crystal. It reminds me of holiday dinners with my family back in Maryland. Eventually I found myself in the men's department of one of the high end department stores. I drifted between the aisles of expensive men's wear letting my hand softly caress the fabrics finding joy in the luxury of the different textures.

At last I stood before a beautiful arrangement of men's sweaters. I picked up one of the cashmere sweaters and pressed it against my cheek and breathed in. Cashmere has a scent that is softer and cleaner than heavy wool. As I stood there enjoying the moment in a world that I can no longer afford, my eyes fell upon a sweater that I know Christian would have selected had he been standing next to me in his earthly body. Tears suddenly sprang to my eyes and began to cascade down my cheeks. It was all I could do to not fall on the floor in a sobbing heap and cry my eyes out. The assault of emotion was so sudden and so unexpected. I had crashed and fell spiraling down to earth.

I was emotionally exhausted. I left the store. My body felt heavy and my steps were slow and labored - like those of an old person that was tired of living and felt life had become a burden. Outside the store and in the middle of the wide corridor were two couches and two large chairs centered around two equally large ottomans. I slowly lowered myself into the side of one of the couches. It was covered in a soft, brown vinyl and I sunk down into the overstuffed cushion. I wrapped my arms around my purse, leaned my head back on the back cushion. I was suddenly so, so tired. So tired, so emotionally exhausted, so weak ... so sad ... that I fell asleep. I fell asleep in the middle of the mall, in the middle of all that beauty, surrounded by people. I slept for one-and-a-half hours. Occasionally I would open my eyes and see someone sitting on one of the chairs - usually an elderly man, probably waiting for his wife to finish up her shopping. One would think that with someone else sitting in such close proximity that I would have sat up straight and woke up; but I was just so tired that all I did was close my eyes and go back to sleep. I have never been so tired.

When at last I woke up and left the lounge area, I realized that I was right back to the place I had been in the months following Christian's death. All the feelings I had experienced then and off and on for the past twenty-two months were back stronger than ever. I felt empty and alone. The same way I felt on June 13, 2011, when I made this journal entry:

DID YOU EVER......

wish you could just go to a place where all the decisions were made for you? Not forever but for just a little while .... a week or two or three. No decisions at all. Not even the tiny ones. No deciding what to wear or what to eat or when to get out of bed. No pressures. No cooking dinner at the end of the day unless you wanted to. And if you do cook something, not worrying about if it was a balanced meal. Eat only protein or starch or vegetables if you want. One night when Patrick was gone, I only ate hummus and fresh carrots and red bell peppers. And it was good.

Watching the channels on t.v. that you wanted to or not watching at all. Music, no music. If you were so inclined, stay up as late as you wanted doing art work or writing or journaling or scrapbooking or woodworking or whatever you enjoy doing. Even sewing.

I don't sew anymore. Once upon a time I found great pleasure in taking a long piece of fabric and creating something wonderful with scissors, pins thread, and sewing machine. Not anymore - too much effort. For that matter I don't scrapbook anymore either. Poor little Christian is not going to have a scrapbook of his baby years. I feel bad about that but not bad enough to do anything about it. No energy.

I care that I don't care. Sounds strange doesn't it? I know I should care about things - people. But I don't. And it worries me just a tiny bit that I don't. It just takes too much effort, too much energy. Depression really sucks!

Yep! just lock me away some where and make all the decisions. Just don't try to make me talk, or leave my room, or make nice. I only want peace and quiet and solitude. I'll do all those things when I'm ready. I'm just not ready now. Not today anyway. Not today or tomorrow or the day after that either.

I thought after more than a year following Christian's death that I would be well on my way to recovery but it only seems to get worse. Maybe the moon is in some strange phase and is affecting my mental status. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I can only hope.