NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND: A REALIZATION AND A CONFESSION

The following composition which I named "The Sibling" comes from not only my own shortcomings but also from a compilation of the experiences of other survivors with their children. Children sometimes left behind, or left out, during our grieving process. We don't do it intentionally. Never intentionally.

When we lose a child or a loved one, our grief and our love for the one that has been plucked from our lives is all encompassing. Everything and everyone else disappears from our thoughts. It isn't our fault. That is just the way grief works. While we should make a real, conscious effort to not make other family members feel less important to us, most of us just don't have room in our overburdened hearts, minds, or souls to do it. Nor do we have the energy to try. Not in the beginning anyway.

From my own experience, I convinced myself during that first week that they were here with me that I was being really, really strong for my children. Their rock in a stormy sea; but now I know that isn't what was going on at all. I wanted THEM to be here FOR ME. I wanted their love and their support and their understanding. I wanted to feel their arms wrapped around ME. In retrospect I wasn't being strong, I was numb and I was needy. And they, inspite of their own grief, took care of me, protected me, loved me, and did all the things I couldn't do. They, not me, were the strong ones.

Now that some time has passed and I think back on those first six or seven months, I realize that in reality I was an emotionally absent mother. I was not there for them. I did not acknowledge the depth of their suffering, their grief, their sorrow, their anger, and their pain. I didn't think about the huge void Christian's death had left in their lives. I was certainly aware of it but I didn't have the capacity to fully absorb it. They were made to suffer in silence - away from me. GRIEF IS SELFISH. I became the center of my own universe. I locked myself and my emotions inside and pushed everything else out. And for that I am truly sorry.

Only one of my children still lives with me and he doesn't really live with me. He and his family live in our guest house next door so the following poem, if you want to call it that, is mostly based on what others have told me and what I imagine I might have felt if I had lost someone I loved dearly and my parents disappeared emotionally from my life when I needed them the most.

The attached painting is by Robert Christian Hemme and is titled "A Broken Heart".

THE SIBLING
written August 12. 2011

He is gone. Gone forever.
I will never again see his smile
Or hear his voice or share his laughter.
Lying on my bed,
Alone in the dark, in my room.
Heart broken, emotions so raw, so new
Tears flow. I am unable to stop my sobs.
Face distorted, I scream into my pillow
Why, Why, Why? Why did you leave me?
Didn't you know how much I loved you,
How much I needed you?
How much I would miss you?
Suffering in silence. Alone.
With only my memories of you
To keep me company
And tear my heart in two.

I listen to my mother's muffled crying.
I know her face is buried in her pillow.
Every night I lay in my bed
And listen to her anguished cries.
Everyone says give her space, give her time,
She'll come around. Be patient.
Be understanding.
But what about me? What I'm feeling?
Does anyone even care?

A house divided. Each feeling
And living in their own pain.
My father is distant. Unapproachable.
It's like he has built walls around himself
And cemented himself inside.
He sits and stares straight ahead.
His face is blank.
His body is still here
But I think his soul must have vanished.

Tempers short, why does she yell at me
Why does he sit and say nothing
I am not the source of their pain.
I am already hurting, why hurt me more?
Love me, I'm still here, I'm still alive
Don't I count? Am I nothing to you?

Act out! Look out!
Anger boils and bubbles
Words of hate flow like hot lava
Oozing and gushing. Red and Hot.
I will make you feel MY pain.
I will not tiptoe around you.
I will stamp my feet!
You WILL see me! You WILL hear me!
You WILL know I'm still here!

Leave your room Mother,
Get out of your bed.
Take off your robe, Get dressed.
Make me breakfast. Smile at me.
Say I hope you have a good day.
Hug me before I walk out the door.
Show me you love me too.
Please Mother ... Love me too.
Tears flow down my cheeks
Love me ...please. I'm still here.
I loved him too.
Look at me. See my pain.

Why do you shut me out? What?
You don't mean to?
The look in your eyes is far away.
Your hug too weak.
Your smile barely a smile at all.
Your weariness makes me tired.
You turn and walk away.....
To return to your room
Leaving me alone in the kitchen.
I watch you walk away from me.
I feel lost and empty and defeated.

I turn, I open the door and I, too, walk away.
Closing the door behind me.


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For help, encouragement, understanding, and support and for a place where you can interact with other survivors of suicide, you can find support groups on facebook at:

"One Life" Bereaved by Suicide

Never another you (suicide support group)

In loving Memory of... for Parents who lost children to suicide

Messages to Heaven

Stepping Stones... Surviving the Loss of a Loved One to Suicide

Collateral Damage: Images of Those Left Behind by Suicide


And for those of you that have lost a child for reasons other than suicide:

Loss of an Adult or Young Adult Child

Missing our Child

Grieving Mothers