Last night as I lay in my bed, comfortable and warm, with my mind in that place between awareness and sleep the room began to softly brightened and you were with me.
You put your arm around me and I laid my head on your chest. I could smell the rich spiciness of your cologne. I could hear your heart beating softly in your chest. I felt the rise and fall of your breathing. I could hear the faint exhale of your breathe. I could feel the rough fibers of your sweater against my cheek. I could feel the warmth of your body.
It was an embrace I had experienced so many times when you were still with me. And indeed last night for a few moments you were with me again. I held on to you and to the moment for as long as I could. We didn’t exchange any words. No words were necessary. We were together and that was enough.
You didn’t suddenly disappear, you slowly faded away and my hand slipped away from you. Even after I could no longer see or touch you, the scent of your cologne hung on the air for a few seconds. And then it too faded away.
Always as mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, friends, and loved ones we wish for just “one more time”. One more moment together. I was blessed with that moment and it was a real as anything I’ve ever felt. So much happiness, so much joy in that moment. So much peace.
But then how empty, dark, and silent the room was after you left. That emptiness, that silence, that darkness came crushing down on me. The feeling was so intense, I cried out and gasped for breathe. Then came the tears. Tears can be healing or tears can be drowning. For the second time you had left me and my heart almost couldn’t bear it.
My son, my son. How I love you and how much I miss you - each and every moment of each and every day with each and every breath I take. Thank you for coming to me in such a profound way. I knew that if anyone could find a way, you would.
The love that binds us will never, can never be broken. You are my heart. The pleasure of being your Mom was worth any pain I have felt or will ever feel. Of this I am sure, this was not our last meeting. We will meet again. If not in this life - as we did last night - then in the next. And with God’s blessing, we’ll be together forever with no more sorrow and no more pain. Only everlasting never ending joy.
