Today I was looking through my Document File and found this poem written by my friend Shari Soklow. It is as meaningful today as the day I received it from Shari. Indeed, it is more meaningful than when I first read it.
I received it during a time when my grief was still new and my emotions raw. I received it during a time when I was still numb with shock and disbelief. I received it during a time when I did not fully know what losing a child meant. I received it during a time when my mind could not accept that my son was not only gone but gone forever. I received it before I realized how permanent death was.
The words that Shari has written don't just apply to the first week of a loss or the first few months or even the first year. There is a lifetime worth of wisdom and experiences written here. She is right when our child dies a part of us dies too. The hurt and pain and sorrow never ends. It just goes on and on and on.
Its been four years since Christian left us and truthfully I don't think about his passing as constantly as I did in the beginning. Thoughts of him are always there. Its just that my thoughts turn more to the good times we spent together. The happy times. I have to do that to survive. I have to do that to push the nightmare of that last day away. But try as I will some days the pain is as intense as it was on the day my son took his life.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us Shari. Thank you for stating what we as grieving parents feel and can't express as eloquently or as clearly as you have.
"Unless"
Unless you've lost a child.......then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain
